Adam Cap

Self-inflicted incapacitation can involve little more than a twenty-first century computing device. A screen. A bright one. One that glows and purrs with the sirenic noosphere at large. “This is the President speaking …” with your most wildest dreams come true: 1-click shopping from your home in your underwear; online/offline online gaming during the Big Game (with major fantasy implications) (read: major) (daily); a running faucet of “news”; no-buffer Not Suitable For Works at work; YouTube with your neighbor’s Netflix; memes wafting (*inhale*); all the social media; and, like, so many likes; with love a swipe away.—

From this flourishing garden of pseudo-earthly delights, the ripest and sweetest (and most specious) fruit has to be visual media. Pictures in motion and in standstill in quantity are nearly equally hypnotically soothing to the savage ape mind. The medium is universal: we can’t help but turn our attention toward the celestial beacon: a 16:9 backlit screen eclipsing our peripheral vision moving at 30 frames per second rotating spasmodically between multiple camera angles overlaying mesmeric undulating three-dimensional graphics capriciously (jump-)cutting scene to scene to scene spewing statafterstatafterstat. It is there. We are not here. Resistance is futile; welcome to hell.

The ineludible allure of image-based content, and video in particular, is that it takes so little effort to make sense of. We perceive, we look, we interpret, we act. The process is natural. But the magnetic poles are reversing; it, video, is now making more sense of us. Money’s on the line and I’ll be damned if we can’t look away. Our minds are metrics; programs are formulas; they both are being deciphered at breakneck pace with Machiavellian consequence as the inherent weaknesses of the prone human psyche are tugged, teased, and manipulated to form, to watch, ad nauseam, as if in the hands of skilled ceramicist.

And no brain is more malleable than a young child’s.

. . .

A Viewing from the Book of Genesis: My mother believes that any precocity I demonstrated as a preschooler is the result of Sesame Street osmosing the A, B, C’s into my uberneuroplastic mind — not, like, whatever environmental sway she and consequently I were exposed to from conception through early youth. (A bogus notion, verily.) If television were really so capable of fostering intellect, then why is society not being continually enlightened by mass media? Why are we not leveraging this propitious technology past the recommended viewing age of five? Why are we not overgenerously funding further far-reaching initiatives to unfold the human psyche and pinpoint its ocular–aural learning centers and disseminate the knowledge to the people?

Oh, wait: This is being done. And there is no proof it works.

So why the faith in Sesame Street? News outlets periodically run stories like these that tout the efficaciousness of PBS’s/HBO’s hit show:

• 1995: The New York Times
• 2001: Science Daily
• 2006: Washington Post
• 2012: Scientific American
• 2015: Vox, Washington Post, CNN, Current

I presume similar or the same pieces get passed around to local news outlets and more stories have been lost in the blowing the sands of the entropic internet and others weren’t ever published to the web. I don’t know how else my mother would have arrived at her assumption; she must have encountered some lede in the newspaper or on the televised news. (I asked, and she doesn’t remember.) Other pertinent questions: Where do these stories originate? Who propagates them? And to what extent are they to be believed?

Enter, The Muppet Show: From the 1995 NY Times article, Aletha C. Huston, pundit, who from 1970–97 received over $3 million in grants from the likes of Children’s Television Workshop (now Sesame Workshop, “the non-profit organization behind Sesame Street”) to study interactions between kids and televisual media:

“In one of her presentations, “Myths about Children and Television,” she explained some of her work and research. “I want to do some myth-bashing,” she said. “I want to tweak the intellectual snobs who say television is a wasteland,” conveying that quality children’s television could be very educational.”
—KU Women’s Hall of Fame Page

Sure!

Or how about Daniel R. Anderson, referenced in the 2012 Scientific American piece, who along with Dr. Huston authored the often cited 2001 Monograph Early Childhood Television Viewing and Adolescent Behavior: The Recontact Study and was recipient of over $4 million in grants along a similar timeframe (1973–2012) to perform similar relational studies. The aforementioned Recontact study is thought to provide evidence substantiating the notion that educational programming is effective and does edify our youth, as noted through positive correlation between “Informative TV” time and high school GPA, among other desirables.

I don’t know enough to refute any of the inferences besides pointing out how much historic funding was directed toward the authors from corporate parties who would rather see emphasized positive results, though I will pull this endorsement from a third party who was sufficiently qualified to have his word included at the end:

“Educational television works: It has sustained, long-term, positive relationships to development and behavior.”
—Reed Larson on The Recontact Study

Contrast this with the most recent 2015 study conducted by economists Melissa S. Kearney and Phillip B. Levine who received a combined ~$90k grant from the Spencer Foundation (which, unsurprisingly, has funded Huston and Anderson in years past) to research “The Lasting Effect of Sesame Street on Children’s Development: Lessons for Early Childhood Interventions,” of which lasting effect there appears to be none. Their analysis is comparatively damning:

“The results indicate that Sesame Street improved school readiness, particularly for boys and children living in economically disadvantaged areas. The estimated impact on ultimate educational attainment and labor market outcomes is inconclusive.”

Dissent! And yet this piece was still paraded by the purblind media with the same “Sesame Street works” angle rather than “Children’s television programming may do nothing to improve prospects of nation’s youth.” Kearney and Levine have since provided a more sensible interpretation of their findings and Amaya Garcia of New America has lent follow-up commentary on “What Sesame Street Is and Isn’t” as well.

I will refrain from delving into either study but here are key points for the inquisitive reader to contrast them:

• 2015 Study
  • Data Points: 500,000+ individuals
  • Location: United States (all over)
  • Data Gathering: Census and other databanks
  • Ages: 2–5 for SS viewing habits; 22–31 for educational attainment; 32–41 for labor market outcome
• The Recontact Study
  • Data Points: 570 individuals
  • Location: Topeka, KS and Springfield, MA
  • Data Gathering: Video camera or self-assessment; phone interview and high school transcript
  • Ages: 3–5 for SS viewing habits; 17.45 avg. for follow-up assessment

My opinion? Sesame Street serves as a cheat-sheet to help children pass K–2 but it doesn’t improve cognition or ameliorate the environmental impediments that hold kids back in life. Nobody is getting ahead by watching SS; it’s more or less an innocuous babysitter.

For many parents, this is probably acceptable (downtime is welcomed) but the prevalent “Your Child is Learning” narrative is misleading and I would hope that A) parents are not substituting Sesame Street for genuine environmental exploration/interaction and B) the show was not eating up dollars that could be better spent on, say, the U.S. education system, this second point being the impetus for creating SS, to educate disadvantaged kids cheaply: television, being so cost-effectively wide reaching and rapidly enactable, more so than any initiative to address the environmental conditions of impoverished families, was an attractive option to mass-swaddle the nation’s youth.

In the end, I think to believe that from ages 2–5 it’s beneficial to watch one specific television program for 1–2 hours per day but to screen-watch before or presumably after that age range is detrimental is delusional.

The braintrust got it wrong, but why admit failure when money, control, and power is in hand. The ideal has not landed totally antipodally astray.

. . .

Gateway to Heaven: Having been allayed of misgivings by the illusory influence, at ease with the notion of their son watching television with them, together, and later unsupervised, as they had too, many (frighteningly) of my earliest and most vivid childhood memories involve TV and computers.

I retain no recollections of my Sesame Street schooling (apparently it was every A.M.), but I religiously caught and recorded on VHS every new episode of The Simpsons (8 P.M. Sundays on Fox) throughout most of the 90s. I rented 16-bit Sega cartridges from the grocery store every other week (back when that’s what you had to do to economically experience new digital media). I spent summers on the computer. I went to friends’ houses to solely (solely to) play their best games. (Carmen had Gunstar Heroes. Mike had Bart vs. the Space Mutants. Chris had Agent Under Fire.) I watched Tony Hawk do the 900. I was Afraid of the Dark. I got Shawn Michaels’ autograph through AOL chat in ’96. Pipe Dream and Flying Toasters. Granny and Pop-Pop had cable; Grandmom, to her discredit, did not. FuncoLand had the best deals. Instead of reading books, I read GamePro. Recess became Game Boy hour. Can’t miss the playoffs. Always leave a note. Picture-in-picture-in-picture. Five overtimes contemplating Cowboy Bebop while I Want to Be a Millionaire. Then the reality TV interjection: Pumpkin spitting on New York. Snooki’s glass jaw. With my looks I may as well have been The Bachelor. Living in Melbourne time for two weeks while residing on the East Coast to catch all of the Australian Open. Facebook status updates: “Watching Oprah.” “i miss having a rat tail then my dad offering me a subscription to WWF magazine to get it cut.” “PARTY ON WAYNE.” 167 hours to endure until the next Breaking Bad. “Wheel … of … Fortune!” “Jesse.” “HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn. …” “Hey Meg.” “That boy ain’t right.” “Mennnn?” “Tonight on Action News …” “This is SportsCenter.“—

Naturally

I’m addicted. How could I not be? I was raised in front of a screen and by a screen. Consequently I’ve logged more hours engaged with them — television, games, computers, et al. — than people. Like, as in unmediated human contact. I write this with wretched chagrin because of how obvious it is why I feel so uncomfortable and lack grace in many social situations. Electronic devices, so limited in potential, unlike the human capacity for expression, have comprised my surrogate tribe.

But it’s not even just direct human interaction that I’ve let slip from being. The environment which I grew up in and surrounded me for so long was obliviously foreign until one day, in my twenties, I ventured out on bicycle and explored a roughly three-mile radius. There is so much to see. My spatial awareness was radically changed as I explored roads untravelled and topography unblurred. To realize there was so much around me that I didn’t know or understand was enlightening. I’d too often intermeshed with media in belief rather than looked out the window in wonder.

From ignorance of the outside in: Though I, and others, probably, consider myself to be a cogitative individual, one who thinks more than he speaks or acts, I ruminate predominantly on trivialities and people other than myself. It shames me to admit this but I’ve been so conditioned by the media who glorifies inconsequential persons (read: celebrities) that I will often think unavailingly about them, or current events, or friends, or family, or otherwise deflect attention from the most real, tangible, and inconsiderable topic, me: Adam. Because when was the last time you’ve been the lead story? To sit and think, by oneself, about oneself, and then, crucially, articulate one’s thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and understandings into sensory form, be that among visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic manifestation, is lost craft.

And though this all seems weird, to have lived so distantly from my most immediate loci of understanding, the existential orbit until now has felt fine; situation normal: not fucked up. One of these things is like the others, and it’s me. The thing is me. I fit in growing up. I seek pleasure just like everyone else and technology provides it in spades. It is the disseminator and I am implored to pursue satisfaction above all. I am powerless in resistance to neonatally suckle on the engorged communal tit and take in the world for I should know it, as I’ll ever know it, in dazzling, augmented, hi-definition display.

The inkling: I can’t help but feel I’m missing out. Or maybe the idea is to miss out. I don’t know: I was born into this. My perspective is limited.

However, from what I can perceive, it doesn’t seem my technological habituations are all that atypical from others of my generation and probably many of those before mine, dating back to the advent of broadcast television. My grandparents, born circa 1923–1931, all watched gratuitous amounts of primetime television with their children and grandchildren. Those were our nights together. Because it feels good to know the question on Jeopardy!; because Kramer is funny. Because our lives are pedestrian and uninteresting and comparatively boring superimposed with that of a charming fictional protagonist and it’s so much more difficult to maintain conversation than to together passively soak in the televisual glow.

And now that the infrastructures are in place, live streaming, the can’t-miss-as-it’s-happening irreversible adventure, akin to less-censored live-televised news and sports but for a wider array of topics and more anything-goes, the power of which now lays in the hands of individuals with webcams, is reshaping the landscape of compulsory screen watching (which, I should mention of screens, are beyond ubiquity; they are intrusive: gas stations now have eye-level monitors informing you audibly and insolently of the “news” at the pumps). I would be sickened to see the actual runtime of my Twitch.tv live streaming consumption back in the fall when I moved lonesome and was unwell and I suppose yearned for intimate connection with another human being. These independent live streams provide that and anonymity. No one has to know you’re peering in, and it’s easy to peer in. I was hooked for ~six hours daily. (Let’s be honest: probably more.) On screen, inches away in front of you, with what isn’t but should be considered frightening immediacy — a few clicks or taps and seconds — is the high-def bust of a compelling pseudo-celebrity acting and interacting (sometimes with you!) among thousands of viewers in near-real time. It feels as if you’re physically close and even emotionally near as the streamer’s personality — quirks, warts, flaws, and all — emerges over time, because realness does come out when someone is on camera for forty-plus hours per week or twenty-four straight hours, and this candor lends relatability and humanness in a way even reality TV struggles to capture. But you’re not close to the streamer. The conversation is decidedly one-sided. If you, the viewer, onset by graphical coruscation, were to go down with a freak grand mal, the show would go on. (… Help?)

So, because, recently I’ve come to some probably-superficial level of self-acknowledgement about my problem and despite considering it to be that, a problem, I am unable without great difficulty, focus, and anguish to break these ingrained habits. A moth can’t help but perish in flame. I am attempting to push myself out of my comfort zone and it sucks. I don’t know if life outside the net will be better but I’ve felt myself drifting toward a level of immersion too deep, too disjointed from reality, and I already look back on the past twenty years of my life with regret and concern. The next twenty have got to be better.

All this said, I’m not in position to go off-grid or anything like that — I’m still tethered by the internet and my Apple products. You would not be reading this without them. But I am making changes in how I use these technologies to maintain more realism about myself and my surroundings. I think maybe I’m onto something. The rabbit hole is deep but the surface is porous. The following ideas I type out as much for myself as for you, the ardent reader. When I force myself to articulate thoughts I inevitably find frayed ends in my assumptions and must delve further to invoke clarity.

Internet Like It’s 1999

1. Watch no video.

Along with the ability to read these words, you likely have a high-speed internet connection and the God-power to retrieve nearly any possible video you can think of, right now, for free. (Why are you reading this?? I will tempt you: cats.) Audiovisual delight proliferates. It pervades. Remember: Television was once stationary and distributionally constrained. Families would huddle around their one television set in the living room and parley for control over three black-and-white channels. High-def video now cocoons in pockets. It has speciated microdemographically, transgressed the time-space continuum, and verily warped verisimilitude.

In short, we have more control than ever over what we watch and when we watch and where we watch and with whom we watch. Are we not nearing the ultimate?

a. Watching reinforces passivity.

The Reality of Screen Watching: You are docilely peering at a piece of glass. You are sitting, not moving, not talking, and sometimes blinking. You are not thinking too hard, which feels nice. The screen thinks for you. It is happy to. That’s what it’s here for. Pictures in motion fill cranial space. The thrum of C major. That’s all you need. Polynomial existential grandeur. You do nothing.

However, as you’re — for the demonstrativeness of this essay — doing nothing, watching screen, your brain reacts as if you are doing something! (OK — admittedly the science of mirror neuroanatomy is nascent and psychologists question how legit it even is and what purpose the mechanism would serve, but just go with me here.) In this way, video is hypnotically passive: watching other people do stuff make you feel like you’re doing stuff. It’s sort of like a false déjà vu/fait and it diminishes your drive to actually go and do stuff, because you feel like you’ve already done stuff. (Done-stuff-ception?)

But though this experience lacks depth, watching is preferable to doing, rationally speaking, in many situations, in ways I’ll outline below. It just makes more sense.

From this has evolved a paradox where the dilemma — to watch, or not — subconsciously presents itself as having binary outcome — when it actually doesn’t — which justifies and reinforces a compulsion to watch:

1. I can watch X,
2. or I can partake in X.

Where X is whatever subject, topic, or idea. (This concept I’m presenting doesn’t work for all video content. Some films are abstract and are the experience. To “partake” I mean to engage in X in a closer-to-actual or first-hand form.)

Here’s an example:

I can experience Nirvana ’92 from my home in my underwear for free. (OK — there is financial prerequisite, but it’s minimal, and the experience, though not live-and-in-person, is arguably better.) This is an acclaimed concert and I know I like Nirvana and it’s likely I will enjoy this historical documentation. (And I have watched it; it’s great.) Let’s say I have the choice to see live music or watch the Nirvana recording instead. It’s a weeknight and I want to be entertained. The resolution is obvious.

Live music can be fun. It’s not so much about the music, really, but the atmosphere; the venue, the people, the spectacle. Most bands’ studio recordings are better than anything they play live but live-and-in-person brings unpredictability and chaos into the mix. Good stories relayed by concertgoers lack harmony; romance, drugs, and violence — shades of pandemonium — highlight events.

To witness live music in person requires time, energy, and money. For me to make it to a concert and back, here’s what I would have to do:

Start Time: ~6:15 PM

1. Put on pants
2. Walk to the train station
3. Wait for the train
4. (it’s late)
5. Pay $14 for a round-trip train ticket (begrudgingly)
6. Twiddle thumbs for 48 minutes as the R5 crawls toward Philadelphia
7. (Try to identify train-going culprit of five-day-old cheesesteak smell)
8. Walk one mile to the concert venue through a poorly-lit power-walking-advised section of town
9. Pay $27.50 (plus $7.95 in processing fees) for a concert ticket (again, begrudgingly)
10. Pay another $1.oo for ear plugs because I forgot to bring mine and without this scientific advancement I will hear bells for three days
11. Stand in a stupor for two hours while the opening bands try
12. Readjust ear plugs approximately 391 times
13. asdf
14. (Who farted??)
15. Head into the pit for the headlining band
16. Leave the pit because this dense mass of sweaty stinky humanity is surely breeding ground for norovirus or at the very least a head cold
17. Rock out (courteously on the sidelines)
18. Lose track of time
20. Panic
21. Run a mile back to the train station
22. Yell because I just missed the 10:23 PM outbound train and have to wait another hour for the next one back home
23. Sulk
24. Board return train, first
25. Try to not fall asleep like the poor traveler conked out drooling in front of me who I think was supposed to depart five stops ago
26. Walk back home
27. Take off pants

End: ~12:15 AM (-6 hours, -$50)

I can do all that … or I could have watched Nirvana for zilch, not endured the stress of traveling to nighttime Philadelphia, and still have 4+ hours of leisure time in my pocket.

Obviously I’m staying home. It’s the rational decision. To leave home doesn’t make sense unless the band is known to put on a superior live performance (think: the Grateful Dead) and they are, like, my fav, or this is being treated as a social event, in which case does the music matter?

Here’s what makes this situation paradoxical: the options aren’t binary. I can not go to the concert, and I can also not watch prime Cobain & co. But why deprive myself of one and the other? This is difficult to answer. It doesn’t make sense. I want to say “because there are more creative solutions that will provide similar levels amusement with less output required” but the stay-at-home-and-watch option yields, at least in the short-term, the highest and most certain ratio of pleasure-to-investment — a click. To do anything else is more risky. Maybe that’s where the fun is.

b. Most video is just dumb.

My experience and observation is that audiovisual content fails to sufficiently challenge the brain in a way that expands the mental facilities. I believe video molds us more than anything; the passivity of it promotes neurological stasis (and thus atrophy).

Even inherently pedagogical audiovisual media — think back to high school biology and the one or two glorious days per semester when your teacher would play an educational film for the entire class — doesn’t stimulate learning to the degree a hands-on activity can or even just reading text.

(Pourquoi? My guess is because the only requirements to consume video are that 1) your eyelids be open, 2) your ears not be plugged, and 3) your body be oriented vaguely toward the emanation. 1) and 2) are pretty autonomic when one is awake. It doesn’t take much work.)

But what attracts consumers most is not intellectual programming, rather cheap thrills and laughs. (“Home run!”) (“Honey, I shrunk the kids!”) (“Augghha!”). We seek to be entertained. We watch to feel. The effect we desire from video is analogous to that sought by an addict from drugs: a spike in neurotransmission of dopamine, serotonin, and various endorphins, namely. This isn’t wrong per se — genuine interactions with our environment also elevate the release of neurotransmitters — but it’s the ease with which we can access video and then the ease with which video accesses us — our nervous systems — that’s troubling. The people who make commercial film and video know to play on emotion and cater to a wide audience and make their work approachable otherwise it’s going to take too much input for the viewer to gain output. So, like, 1) the material is intellectually vapid; it’s simplistic and often predictable. But it’s not even just that: 2) you’re told how to perceive what you are viewing. Think: Canned laughter. Think: Catchphrases. Think: Mood-altering music and sound effects. Think: A guy tries to throw a ball past another guy but the other guy hits it with a stick and the ball goes over a restricted boundary. This is exciting. Did you see that? An incredible feat. You could not do that. This only happens 1/3245 times. This is the pros. Guy #2 weighs 231 pounds. His favorite color is twelve. Plus his shoe was untied. Let’s check the replay. This is entertainment. (COMMERCIAL BREAK: Thanks to our bloodsucking corporate sponsors and all you dumb shmucks at home for making this moment possible. Really: Thank you.)

It’s really quite asinine when you interrupt the narratives, pick apart the charades, and critically evaluate what’s happening. (See: Friends without a laugh track.)

Truthstream Media recently put out a video depicting the hypnotic effects the modern graphics, which do the opposite: rather than illusorily excite, these props transfix or lull us into watching. I think back to when I cared about professional sports and watched ESPN bidaily and would not budge from the TV because I knew some datum of interest — a score, a stat, a headline — was soon to arrive in the BottomLine (a persistent news ticker at the bottom of broadcasts) and I must wait for it. (Patiently.) The ticker became the program a lot of the time. What a boon for viewer retention. Audio visualizers function similarly.

Can books or activities or conversations be dumb too? Yeah. Not every communicative exchange needs to be heavy and serious and sullen. But I think video particularly is problematic because of how little you have to work at it. It thinks (and acts) for you.

c. Video erodes local community.

OK — I’m going out on a limb here. Tin-foil hat time: Because video can appear so real, and a lot of the same faces appear on screen over and over, it fosters this false sense of intimacy with individuals we will never interact with in any meaningful way: celebrities, athletes, musicians. This causes us to lose sight of the community around us. Why interface with my elderly neighbor when this cool exciting young person is right here?

Books, radio, music, and art can all produce the same general effects — unactionable or -actualizable fixation and social isolation — but my observation is that video elicits more of these single-sided false relationships. Yes? No? Maybe? #NWO? (shrug)

Lump the next topic in here on some lesser but still great scale as well …

2. Partake in no social media.

Not even as an inconspicuous observer. It’s incredibly tempting to quickly — just for a minute! — scroll through timelines and feeds to keep up with The World but what pervades is so fraught with ignorance, deceit, and irrelevance that to exist is delusion. What matters is us and around us.

Despite realizing this, I still struggle to keep myself from checking various Twitter accounts throughout the day even though I know chances are 51% or higher that I’ll encounter some diversionary idea or figure that whirrs in the back of my mind and influences my thoughts and behavior for the next 24 hours at least, and usually more like a week if all threads of subsequent action and non-action are tagged. I know the signal-to-noise ratio is miserable and yet I still subconsciously seek out the noise to self-sabotage and distract myself from real issues I’d rather not deal with. It hurts more and less at the same time.

My specific issues with the dynamics of social media are twofold:

a. Social media causes people to act abnormally.

Behavior seems to self-regulate as follows:

1. People aim (read: agonize) to portray themselves over social media as being interesting and unique and likable and relatable. (I mean, why do otherwise?) This leads to the perception — intended or not — that these people are “on” all the time. They are superhuman. They are ceaselessly #winning. They’ve figured it out. This imposes an impossible measuring stick on the rest of us that we and they can never really match.
2. A certain segment of the population tries to behave in a similar (unnatural) way that efficaciously procures likes, follows, and retweets to prove their social worth. Social media runs off this: the accrual of “internet points” (I.P.). Others don’t try, suffer anomie, and result to feeding like suckerfish off celebrities’ prestige to maintain self-esteem.
3. For those that try: Not receiving I.P. congruent with internal expectations causes distress from perceived social dissonance. Receiving appropriate I.P. reinforces abnormal behavior (see: operant conditioning).

b. Social media begets the ultimate hive mind.

Not until the 2016 U.S. presidential election did I realize how profoundly social media (and the internet + websites in general) could sway public opinion through propaganda. It’s hard to depict in retrospect how the internet behaved in those few weeks leading up to voting day in November, but here’s a scene for you: virulent bigoted chaos. It was toxic. Hazmat suit required. Educated and otherwise seemingly sensible individuals were reduced to argumentative, name-calling, melodramatic lunatics proclaiming, “There is one choice. Period.”

… Umm, OK — does that sound at all cultish to any readers besides me? Like, what?? At the point when a “free person” fervently clamors that to vote any other way is wrong, I tend to think brainlessness is at play, and that stifling conviction comes from top-down influence: those with money, fame, and power insidiously propagate their ideals which trickle through the ranks down to you, the good citizen, who, through repeated exposure and influence, becomes a pawn; you start spewing the mantra of the elite, amplifying the echo chamber, and inadvertently indoctrinate others in your social circle to think this certain way. This is why social media so effective in manipulating opinion: there is identifiable social proof — those you endear promote agendas unwittingly and then of course you do too and dominoes fall. This isn’t a new concept really but social media spreads ideas with the celerity of a supervirus — much faster than old word-of-mouth or even TV.

Both the democratic and republican campaigns were disgusting and I don’t remember presidential elections being as emotionally charged in the past. I believe this most recent one was so crazy because politicians are becoming more adept at tapping into the internet, social media, and most specifically our phones. That’s how these power struggles are now going down: in your face and in your hands.

Of course we have another few years until Mayhem: Part II but you can bet that mass herds of people have been, are, and will continue to be influenced by social media under unscrupulous pretense. The motives will often be more innocuous than, say, for reign of the Western world, but still. It’s messed up. Has it ever been easier to get a whole bunch of people to behave a certain way? (Where will the technology go from here?)

Think: Many people take part in social media to express themselves as individuals — but they often end up becoming even more like everyone else, without realizing it. Again, this a pretty standard group–individual dynamic — environmental acclimation — but the reach of social media is so great and threads so interwoven that group boundaries cease to exist and there perfuses a universal “same.”

(Side note: Last week I heard the colloquialism “memelord” spoken twice — audibly, publicly, unabashedly — by persons of divergent demographics — one red-headed freckled pasty pudgy middle-schooler; the other a twenty-something clean-cut Hispanic barista. Memelord. Presumably an acclaimed puerile digi-jokester? Seriously: Is this one of the like two-and-a-half things on people’s minds? Being funny on the internet? Please.)

3. No browser history; no bookmarks.

Browse Without a Trace: The reason I advocate this is because it’s so easy to surf yourself into a rut and visit the same websites over and over. Modern web browsers and search engines implement predictive technologies based on your search history that guess what you’re going to type, as you type (and often with spooky clairvoyance). I don’t believe there’s any ill intent with this technology — it is helpful! — but it can both regulate curiosity (because it also polls from popular search queries on some local to international level) and ingrain bad habit (e.g., I type the letter “E” to begin a search for “Existentialist themes in post-modern French literature” but my browser suggests Etsy.com instead which I just visited for three hours interrupted yesterday in quest of the perfect frog- (or toad-)shaped ashtray for my grandmother and I’m again tempted to peruse for more quaint knick-knacks).

Regularly clearing browser history helps prevent such stasis.

How to do this? You can use Private Browsing (Incognito) Mode to prevent your history from being saved in the first place but this also prevents cookies from being stored which means your logins will get wiped after each browsing session and it’s annoying to have to log into websites over and over. This can, however, certainly be construed as a good thing. Impediments break tendencies.

If you aren’t that impetuous, the Auto History Wipe add-on for Chrome can clear your history automatically (and preserve cookies). These are the settings I use:

Safari doesn’t seem to have any type of history-clearing plugin like this available, so you’ll have to either manually clear your history periodically (which, be honest, you won’t often enough) or use Private Browsing Mode exclusively. There is actually a setting to make Safari open with a private window by default under Preferences –> General:

Chrome doesn’t have this setting but there is AppleScript available that does the same thing? Maybe? (I’ve not tested it.)

Empty new windows and tabs are good too. Chrome (again) doesn’t come packed with this feature but the Empty New Tab Page extension works well.

You’ll also want to disable prediction services. In Chrome, untick “Use a prediction service to help complete searches and URLs typed in the address bar” under Settings –> Advanced:

Safari has a similar setting — “Include search engine suggestions” — under Preferences –> Search:

Instead of keeping bookmarks, save links to text files and refer to them when apt. (I use Simplenote for this.)

On iOS, these are my Safari settings:

Notably: I’ve disabled suggestions and “Frequently Visited Sites” (and I have no bookmarks). I use “Private Browsing Mode” exclusively here. Just switch over to it, (after clearing your history and website data), and don’t look back.

Disdain mars my web-browsing behavior prior to making these changes; it was repetitive and bad. I visited the some of the same webpages for like five years daily when they were no longer of relevance to me or I knew I should not be visiting them so much. I got stuck in the past and out of the present. You forget pretty quickly though of your learned habits when no longer prompted of them. Some willpower and time is needed for urges to dissolve, but man: default browser settings trap you.

4. Avoid advertising.

Advertising works. Don’t think you’re immune. With enough exposure you will end up buying stuff you don’t need. (Thankfully we can avoid much of it!)

These are my go-to ad blockers:

• For macOS: uBlock Origin
• For iOS: 1Blocker

1Blocker costs $4.99 but I think it’s worth it. I tried a few other content blockers for iOS back in the spring of 2016 and 1Blocker was easily the best. Maybe that’s no longer the case; I don’t know. The thing is I don’t even realize it’s activated — I just don’t see ads when I browse with Safari. Everything seems normal otherwise. Other blockers left expanses of white space where the ads would have been. Plus, 1Blocker allows you to enter custom blocking rules, which can be useful.

Support content creators directly if you appreciate what they do. Be proactive with your dollar (rather than passive and persuaded by ads).

5. Do not read the comments.

I repeat: “Do not read the comments!”

Two reasons for this:

1. The most vocal persons on the internet in particular are often among the least informed and/or most biased. I don’t know why the uninformed like to chime in so much; if I had to guess, I’d say an amalgamation of naivety and aroused interest and Dunning–Kruger is at play. This is probably a foreign concept to some readers, but those who say often don’t know. They lack the hesitance and reservation a wiser soul. Once you become knowledgeable about a topic, as in have years of first-hand experience with it, and then chance upon the assertions of the eager-to-speak of the internet, you’ll know what I’m talking about. (“Hello, cave people. There’s a world out here.”) On the other hand: Bias, or maybe better termed “deceit,” I think more often is consciously practiced. Think, for example, of product reviews on Amazon. Many are paid or fake. The same sales-pitching happens elsewhere but in more clandestine and abstract manifestation (self- or other-promotion, typically) to sway opinion or raise awareness. Both types of ignorant, lowly comments can infiltrate your thought processes.
2. Despite knowing how moronic and devious most comments are, I will often skip straight to comments sections, before or rather than interpreting object of remark — article, photo, video, whatever: content — myself, and use the comments as the basis for, or entirety of, interpreting said content. Essentially, the comments become the content, and my opinion derives from others’ opinions. Once this becomes habit, my ability to think for myself has degraded. I’ve shed intrinsic critical notions, and that is scary. (Am I wrong to imagine this is commonplace?) We need to be willing to work to think for ourselves, without the gratification of others. Put in the effort to read an entire article, watch a full video, form your own opinion, and walk away. You can do it. Validate yourself.

Again, content blockers can quash eye-wandering temptation.

6. Disable notifications.

Notifications are flow-breakers. They are razor blades to the throat of pursuit. I just don’t get how anyone can hope to do or be anything great under the looming threat of interruption. I’ve worked both in monastical sense (almost totally disconnected from society for days at a time) and hooked to the dripping IV of new emails/messages, and it’s no contest: anything substantial and cool I’ve put together has been the pitying reward of a dreadfully solitary process. Even people that come across as super-highly-functioning-regardless-of-whatever seem to require holed-up alone time to pull off their best work. (See: Michael Crichton.)

The predicament with notifications — realtime acontextual computational alerts — is especially silly because notifications are Controllable Uncontrollable Interruptions — we have the ability to prevent them entirely, but when we choose not to, we become subject to their pith and whim. And what for? I mean, really: how critical is it to know, now, right now? Whatever it is, can it not wait? Have we seriously ceded in attentiveness to the goldfish? Maybe most people have given up. Succumbed. I nearly well did. It feels good to be plugged in and know you’re wanted. To see an object quiescent luminesce. To feel a vibration against your thigh. To hear “The Note.” It’s sure a whole lot easier than exerting your brain.

Of course, there are downsides to a devotion to latency: maybe, since going notification-free, you come to be considered a Bad Texter and thus a Bad Friend or Bad Family for discourteously not responding to their text messages sooner and as consequence you receive less or no messages from F&F in the future because you’re unreachable and a dissipator. You’re unreliable and unfun. There is a social hit to be taken, for sure. I’ve experienced it. Be okay with that. Make amends in other ways.

Anyhow, so, it’s only a recent revelation of mine that, “Woah, notifications are, like, messing with me,” so I remain in the process of evaluating how to best leverage them.

For example: I had enchantingly connected my iPhone’s iMessage account to my MacBook Pro so I could send and receive messages without needing my phone on me. (Brilliant.) I touch-type from a tactile keyboard way faster than I will ever be able to from glass or plastic display; I’d rather send messages through mechanical keydown. But what happened is that I started receiving iMessages throughout the day, which I hadn’t before, which interrupted my work, even if just slightly, and after a year I’d gotten to this point where I would hope to receive a message to distract me. I’d entered the bizarro realm of meta distraction: distraction by anticipation of distraction. (Not a fruitful place.) I’ve since disabled iMessage notifications on my laptop entirely. I stick to my phone for messaging, now. (And yeah: I can be annoyingly slow to reply to you. And less fun to talk to because of that. Mea culpa.)

But it’s not always as obvious that a notification is interruptive. Another example: I use Apple Pay (yes, I know, I am a rat ringing a bell for his cheese, but seriously: fuck these new mandatory chip cards that have rolled out in the U.S.; let me swipe with zeal, like an American, goddamnit; the chips are slow and awkward and gauche and I’d almost rather not buy anything than query another disinterested cashier “Is it in?” one more time) and A.P. sends a notification receipt to my phone shortly after any payment is made. The thing: I already know I made a purchase. I was, like, there. Duh. Why do I need to be reminded of it? Sure — maybe I wasn’t paying attention and I got rung up for something extra and the total is incorrect and now I realize this and can take action to rectify the situation. (This has never happened.) Or maybe my credit card’s been stolen and thanks to my phone pinging me I’ll be able to sooner thwart the evildoer. (Again, this has not happened. Credit card companies notify me of suspicious activity.) I just can’t seem to come up with any convincing argument for enabling the alerts even though they only take “a second” to clear. They’re still distractions. They waste attention. I think this scenario is representative of many repeat events that permeate our lives: we let them happen without much thought or perception of control. In this situation: I believe it’s more prudent to carefully go through financial statements once per month to verify for accuracy.

So what I am doing now, whenever I receive a notification — banner, badge, alert —, is asking myself these two questions:

1. Is this notification relevant? (Do I need to see it?)
2. If it is relevant, do I need to see it immediately? (Can I check it later, at my leisure?)

In which case of #1, if I don’t need to see it, I disable notifications for the app entirely, and in which case of #2, that may mean A) disabling notifications which would show on the lock screen on my phone so I don’t pick up my phone to check the time and get reeled in or B) putting my phone into Do Not Disturb or Airplane Mode more often (which I forget to do, so I keep it off most of the time instead).

7. Phone off, out of sight, and out of reach.

Past notification disabling, it makes a lot of sense to disable your phone entirely when attempting to do anything besides, well, use your phone. My high-school French teacher once or twice told our class, (in English, delightfully), “Wherever you are, be present,” and I still think that’s awesome advice I need more often to be reminded of. To be truly present is so difficult with a live phone in your pocket.

Besides the social aspect of this, intellectually, I know I, at least, can’t function well enough to complete any meaningful work with my phone in the picture. For me to be capable of high-level thought, I have to really focus — hope to conjure up flow — and a glance at my phone is like a tightrope walker looking down: cognizable doom. It’s that much of distraction. I’m reduced to a rat around it.

And, to substantiate this notion, a recent study out of UT-Austin shows that a phone within sight or arm’s reach, even when powered off, reduces available cognitive capacity. Their hypotheses was that the presence of one’s smartphone causes “brain drain” — basically an expenditure of mental energies, which are limited — and that seems to be the case. (The researchers propose those energies go toward ignoring one’s phone; I lean more in the direction of the phone, the idea of it and all it can do, simply being on the mind, occupying brain space, when so present and attainable.)

To persevere!— Put your phone in a drawer, or up on a high shelf, or wherever is out of arm’s reach and eye’s sight. Even zippered away in a backpack is good. And — importantly! — off.

8. Leave phone home.

Just, like, try. More often. You probably don’t need it on you as much as you think. I remember discussing with my roommate in college (circa 2009, when flip phones were popular) how much more fun it would have been to have attend college back in the ’90s when cell phones weren’t yet prevalent or Facebook a thing; we imagined going to parties and running into more people unexpectedly and getting into more wild scenarios because it wasn’t so easy to reliably connect with others. We’d have a landline in our apartment. That’s how people would reach us. We’d pick up the ringing phone, not knowing who was calling because of lack of caller ID. That’s kind of exciting! Or what if we dialed a wrong number? (*gasp*) It just seemed more fun than everyone being so connected and predictable. (OK — I’ll admit: Maybe these are fanciful misconceptions of adult life in the last decade of the twentieth century elicited from the sitcom Seinfeld.) But I digress—

Now? We crave that convenience and control. We need it. To go into a tense or awkward or new situation without a phone is death. To face doubt is frightening. Here’s a thought: The smartphone is a ThunderShirt for humans. For real. They are our baby blankets, binkies, and strollers.

I’ve started going for walks without my phone. And that feels pretty good, both in the sense of expressing freedom and not having something bulging in your pocket (though the first handful of times felt so weird; like I was circumventing NSA surveillance; “Where did he go??”). Any readers should be able to do that. It’s easy. Just walk out your door. Sometimes I will wish I had my phone on me to snap a photo of something whimsical I’ve stumbled upon (giggle-inducing graffiti or mushrooms, typically), but oh well. Be present; enjoy the moment. It is always an option to leave your phone in your car, too, after driving somewhere, weather permitting.

9. Get rid of phone.

(OK … despite me disparaging the cellular device, I am not really advocating eschewing your phone — or am I? — but it’s useful to reconsider what essential purposes the technology serves. Pare it down.)

10. Start the day proactive.

This is more a philosophical credo than a technological panacea, but life and technology are for most intertwined, and I’ve found it critical to start each day on my own accord and through my own unadulterated perceptions despite how tempting it is to become one with The World, namely by 1) consuming the news and 2) responding to emails and messages.

Consuming the news — either in the traditional sense of conglomerate dissemination through television, newspaper, radio, internet, etc., or in the modern sense of personal curation through social feeds, bookmarks, and apps — corrupts the mind. Traditional news consists mostly of propaganda, hyperbole, and slop. Modern news carries more individual pertinence but is much the same. Both deviously feign verisimilitude. News causes you to think more about things that A) may or may not be verifiable (see: fake news), B) may or may not affect you (much doesn’t) (besides the weather), and C) may or may not be subject to your influence (like: the outcome of a sporting event) than yourself and your environment (which you do have control over and the ability to perceive faithfully). We touch what we can’t. The boundaries of existence become warped.

It’s particularly foreboding of one’s undoing to begin the day with the news because this then appoints the news to erect the world around us, for us; to tell us what to perceive and how to perceive. (“Look out!”) This is to subsist on a passively assimilated incongruous construct, through which lens your absolute presence is lost. And it doesn’t return easily. It takes time to recalibrate. In sum: To be so constantly disjointed from reality muddles perception and one’s ability to make meaningful decisions throughout a day.

Responding to emails and messages, on the other hand, is inherently reactive and to habitually prioritize doing so shackles ambition; you continually wait before acting; venture not far for you seek to be summoned. It feels like you’re getting the ball rolling on the day by knocking out a quick few replies, but you’re not. You are spinning in place. You are servile. You are a lackey. Snap out of it.

This, the pervasive erosion of unencumbered expression, is why it’s so imperative to get into the routine of addressing oneself before others.

I’ve self-imposed that I need to make it to noon before gandering at my phone and email. (I don’t partake in the news; it perturbs me.) If I can last until the late afternoon, or not look at all, it’s been a productive and inspired day.

Void

Exiting is hard because it is so easy to plug in. Phones are mobile. The internet is everywhere. It’s fast. It’s cheap. It’s the ultimate drug.

Technological detox lacks the excruciating physical withdrawal symptoms correlated with the cessation of other stimulants but the psychological disentanglement is rough. Enter the fugue: There is this unbearable emptiness in the moments when one would normally hook up and zone out. Awareness creeps in like a thousand-legger into a bleached-white bathtub. It erratically scuttles into horrific plain sight. You immediately want your phone. It will quell the anguish. Break reality. End the pain. It’s so close. Even just touching it would ease the tension. Kill the bug. You don’t need to look at it, the phone. This isn’t using it. The glass screen is smooth; the buttons tactile and springy. Ahhhh. (click.) And, hey, oh, look: it unlocked itself. Better already. What unpleasant feelings? What obligations? What tough decisions? What soma?

And aside from losing your instantaneous agency to psychological suppression, it’s lonely to disconnect. You feel like you’re missing out; like you’re ditching your peers for nothingness: for silence and stillness and the privilege to stare absently into space. Each passing moment is heavy and turgid. You feel your pulse. Your shoe is untied. This is freedom, and it is nauseating.

Life as you know it, now: Your hope — The Hope — is to find greater meaning out there, outside the glow, outside the warm and comfortable. The real world is deserted and gridlocked and unnavigable. It’s cold and lurid and vast and uncharterable. There may not even be anything here. But if you work at it, eventually, just maybe, you’ll find your reason to be, and the void will be filled with actuality much better.

It’s taken me these 9k words, written painstakingly and under high emotion, to understand my personal struggles with these technologies and start implementing change.

I’ve canceled my internet at home. I quit. It’s too tempting. I will latch onto my keyboard and web-surf when presented the opportunity to do so with Skinnerian inevitability. I can’t help myself. It doesn’t feel to me like I’m committing that much attention to my laptop when I open my laptop, so I just do it. But in reality, I am an enabled obsessive–compulsive lunatic who will mad-dash to his computer to verify or investigate any frivolous/trivial thought that floats to mind and lead myself down a tangential link trail to oblivion. To know that I can do this — access anything at any time — is stifling. Now I am forced to go elsewhere, drive, with clear intention, with my laptop to access Wi-Fi. And I use that online time way more efficiently.

Admittedly, I can still access the internet through my phone in a pinch but I am also increasingly limiting my phone usage. Writing this essay has spooked me. I had a feeling that phones were bad, in some sense, but I didn’t know how to articulate why or explain to what capacity, and I realize now to a greater extent just how bent the things make me. I’ve recently begun taking note of my physiological responses each time I power on my phone: My heart rate goes up. I see the off-white Apple logo superimposed on the black but illuminated screen. It is awake. This screen persists just long enough to cause doubt as to whether the operating system has frozen. Is it updating. Is the battery dead. Why. Why is this happening. Did I drop this damn thing earlier— it’s on. Thank God. I feel a euphoria as my fauvist Les toits de Collioure background fades in, the military-precise clock in SF typeface sets, and a coming cascade of missed notifications reaches anticipatory apogee as the signal finally peaks and resolves, concluding in erumpent display. (buzzt. buzzt.) The screen is brilliant — 600 nits of luminance is enough to down a moth. Hello, SmarterChild. I lose sense of time and space. My hand cramps. My vision is blurred. What day is it?— To become so ineluctably aroused by an inanimate object (or I suppose pseudo-animate since it autonomously stimulates three of the five senses) is disconcerting. I want to get away. This relationship is abnormal. Telephones were used prior to the ’00s by most as tools; they performed a relatively singular action — making and receiving voice calls — that could be wielded for a variety of ends, not much unlike a hammer or saw. The most direct comparison I can think of is to the car: as a car allows us to move from here to there, a telephone allows us to talk from here to there. But the smartphone does so much more than that. It is still at essence a communication device, a modality for the exchange of ideas; however, because it can do so much, perform so many unique actions, it can no longer be considered a tool. It is at best a gadget. And as it slides further from the fulcrum of utility, the one in the system going for a ride becomes … whom?

The caveman’s chisel: I have to micromanage my phone’s settings to defuse it to the point where I can sort of leverage it without it leveraging me. That’s what smartphones do: they’re designed pry you open and envelop your raison d’être and feed parasitically. You pay $X for the device and $X^Y more is taken out of you through its transactional ecosystem and inhibitory nature. Make no mistake: it gets more out of you than you it. They are exceptionally manipulative devices. They have to be; altruism does not drive industry. Your phone wants to be so highly integrated into your life that it becomes indispensable; unable to be lived without. It wants to control you and — End Game — live your life for you. It is the social construct. It is interaction. It is adequacy. And we are fine with all this, because the phone said so. We no longer live in a heliocentric world. The light shown from a 4.7-inch LCD is much greater.

I just can’t function as a considerate human being with that type of influence around. I am not above the latest technological advances that prey on what makes us fallible.

The phone stays off and home more and more. If I am turning my phone on, there needs to be a specific reason for doing so, like making a call, usually in the evening. And then it goes off again. I can’t just “check it” anymore. There is no such thing.

My most immediate replacement for plugging in has been reading books. I just sensed that I needed to start reading physical, actual books if I wanted to break out of my funk. Books take time; it’s important that I always have some perfunctory go-to activity at hand to wane my desire for technology. They are mentally stimulating; I felt my cognitive abilities diminishing as I spent more and more time on the computer — watching video, especially — so it was important that I work my brain again somehow. They are portable; I can read anywhere (though it’s best to in quiet, solitarily, and that usually means at one of two places: A) home or B) a library, but coffee shops can be ok if the music they play is tame, like cool jazz or classical, basically anything that’s mellow and lacks vocals, preferably, but most shops spin contemporary playlists). Books are free, from the library, meaning there’s no financial barrier to getting started or continuing; libraries are seriously awesome. Plus!— A book checked-out comes with a read-by deadline, which I know helps motivate me to keep on as an enthusiastic reader. To renew is chagrin.

Like riding a bike: I struggled to make it through my first book back since being out of the read-for-enjoyment club since obsessing over Ralph S. Mouse in the second grade but it gets easier with repetition. Keep reading. Seek challenging material. Your brain adjusts. And I’ll be frank: reading is an escape as well. I read to avoid confronting problems. It’s a way to pass time into the next day. But to read a challenging novel at least works my brain in a way that I think uniquely sharpens perception and broadens imagination.

I’ve also begun writing down a list of activities I hope to pick up instead of web surfing: birdwatching, painting, dating, and more. I have more time for hobbies than I thought. It just takes not dicking around on the internet to cultivate a repertoire of talents. People are capable of great inner- and outer-discovery when permitted to follow intuition freely.

Where to from here? Well, I recently stepped down from managing a website I ran for eight years. My job, basically. I lost my zest for it. I suppose if I never did that would be worse. Since then I’ve been reevaluating, you know, priorities — and I would like to persist more congruously with my renewed perspectives on media and technology. This means finding employment away from computers. All I’ve known are computers. Or I could work contrary to my beliefs with an acute awareness to the hypocritical circumstances, because if I didn’t uphold cynicism, I’d surely reconform. But to do that would be in the name of wage-earning and my observation is that the dogged pursuit of financial gain sends men early to the grave. E pluribus unum. Further but: The biggest middle finger you can give the establishment is to understand and leverage its technologies for good. So who knows.

“Another procedure operates more energetically and more thoroughly. It regards reality as the sole enemy and as the source of all suffering, with which it is impossible to live, so that one must break off all relations with it if one is to be in any way happy. The hermit turns his back on the world and will have no truck with it. But one can do more than that; one can try to re-create the world, to build up in its stead another world in which its most unbearable features are eliminated and replaced by others that are in conformity with one’s own wishes. But whoever, in desperate defiance, sets out upon this path to happiness will as a rule attain nothing. Reality is too strong for him. He becomes a madman, who for the most part finds no one to help him in carrying through his delusion. It is asserted, however, that each one of us behaves in some one respect like a paranoic, corrects some aspect of the world which is unbearable to him by the construction of a wish and introduces this delusion into reality. A special importance attaches to the case in which this attempt to procure a certainty of happiness and a protection against suffering through a delusional remolding of reality is made by a considerable number of people in common. The religions of mankind must be classed among the mass-delusion of this kind. No one, needless to say, who shares a delusion ever recognizes it as such.”

—Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, 1930

Note: I am currently (Mar ’18) no longer including potato juice in my diet. I consumed it regularly for a few months over the preceding summer, and it facilitated a feeling of well-being that I hadn’t felt for some time. The preparation process is laborious, tedious, time-consuming, and expensive, and so with the new knowledge in hand, that I can — it’s possible — feel a certain way, I instead ventured to find more elegant solutions to achieve similar ends.

When my digestion got bad last year, like real bad, at the nadir of my eliminatory existence, when I couldn’t poop for three–four days, I decided to cut at once from my approved foods list — diet — any foods and food products that could pose even remote challenge to digest. Namely, that meant starches were off the board because of the endotoxin thing, and also spices and additives — like ascorbic acid, citric acid, natural and artificial flavors — words on labels I was purposefully ignoring on prepackaged goods, like applesauce and salsa, to maintain a tattered thread of sanity about my dietary intake — I eliminated these in caution of potential inflammatory responses to them. Variable overload. I realize this may sound extreme but I viewed my condition as such.

So, because I committed to this change which involved not eating a bunch of foods I was previously eating, and there was a nutritional deficit to supersede, I combed tediously through every single Ray Peat clip for ideas consumable, specifically those pro-digestive, and one curious substance disclosed with reserved enthusiasm™ by Ray on several occasions is potato juice. Cooked potato juice, to be specific. When Ray mentions something in a positive light, it’s often worthwhile to investigate oneself.

Why potato juice cooked? My understandings are elementary and rudimentary — *Bio III drop-outs bump heads* — but the thought is that cooked potato juice is uniquely rich in amino acids and keto acids. Naturally-occurring ammonia in the body transaminates the keto acids into even more amino acids as needed; in total ergo there are many aminos. ?

What is special about amino acids? Well, (dons rainbow-colored propellor beanie and pocket protector), amino acids are the “building blocks” of proteins and dietary proteins must be digested — scientific term: degraded — into amino acids before they can be utilized by the body for its muscles and tissues and whatnot. So some correlation can be made between amino acids equaling proteins.

The amino acid composition of a potato, in actuality, when accounting for transamination, is rich — on the level of egg yolk — and the bioavailability of its nutrients — which includes vitamins and minerals too — is high when the potato is prepared tactically.

And why not just bite into a raw potato? Okay — to be honest I’ve not looked deeply into this matter but from what I understand, raw potatoes contain toxic leave-me-alone!-type chemical compounds — because they would rather not be exhumed and eaten, like most plants — however those chemicals can be to some extent deactivated by heat, though possibly not by a lot, but still, and of course there is the starch, which, even when cooked, can be troublesome for individuals’ GI tracts to process; I imagine the raw starch has got to be worse on the gut. Plus who in their right mind wants to chew through a mound of raw potatoes??

All this is to say cooked potato juice is an easy-to-consume, easy-to-digest concentrate high in vitamins, minerals, and protein. The nutrition of X pounds of potatoes is condensed into a much more approachable volume of broth.

Pinch Me!

But what does it do?? Why expatiate at such depth?

The reason I’ve felt so inclined to scribble a word or three on the esoteric matter of potato juice is that I’ve found it to be an incredible skin rejuvenator. Like, unbelievably effective, for me, at least. The first time I didn’t totally botch cooking the juice, it hit me with this reverberant bliss, not so dissimilarly from a first drunk or first high, and I thought to myself, “This does something.” (Most foods/supplements/damn-sure-to-improve-your-health-products don’t do anything. Efficaciousness is rare.) I knew I needed to try it again.

My face, in particular, just feels tight after consuming the juice. It provides this near-instantaneous facelift. I look younger. And I feel virile, too; the areas of the body with the thinnest epidermal layer more noticeably exude ephebic elasticity; along with the face that includes the genitalia. I’m a whole new me. And this happens with rather resigned predictability too.

The effect is analogous to a receding hairline returning, or thinning hair thickening. That’s how strongly I feel about it.

Has the juice improved my digestion? No, I cannot substantiate that notion. On the contrary, it acts upon me as a laxative at times, which I will admit is a relief when my bowels are not moving though obviously not optimal; however, the epidermal revivification I perceive as a stupendously positive aftereffect and I look very much forward to cooking up a batch of the juice at least once, usually twice, sometimes thrice, per week.

And because I found few resources that explained the preparation process in detail, which is not as straightforward as it may seem and is easy to mess up, I thought I’d share my current, somewhat refined technique among interested readers. With that introduction over and clever homograph in tow, let’s cook. ??‍?

Ingredients

• Potatoes (~8 lbs unpeeled weight) (large size)
• Salt (a few pinches) (preferably Morton C&P)

Prep time: ~30 minutes — Cook time: ~1 hour

A comprehensive link list of kitchen tools is located below. ↓

Instructions

Step 1: Choose Potatoes

Larger potatoes are more efficiently manipulated and thus take less time than smaller potatoes to peel and cut. I’ve bought smaller potatoes for, like, science and regretted it every time. Feel free to experiment but I think you’ll soon side with the inanity that bigger is better.

I don’t think the variety of potato matters much — e.g., waxy v. starchy — because the starch will be almost entirely removed in the end product and nutritional data suggests homogeneity between species, but waxy potatoes tend to be smaller and thus less wieldy so you’ll by default spring for all-purpose/Idaho/starchy/floury varieties. Sweet potatoes are different critters altogether; I am unfamiliar with them and would hesitate to recommend you juice up a batch.

Walmart sells 8-lb bags of jumbo Russets for $4.52 currently. That is 57¢/pound. Cheap! They work though I’d not eat them in an un(highly)processed state. They’re often green and/or carry an astringent smell raw. Mutants be damned.

Organic potatoes I’ve found rare to come by — my local Whole Foods doesn’t even carry them right now; they are a seasonal item — and at a reasonable price point, if they are to be found. Suggestion: Pick out the best-looking and -smelling conventionals available in your area.

Step 2: Peel Potatoes

This isn’t necessary, per se, but I do it. And I think you should too. I often come across bruises and other abnormalities underneath the skin that I’d rather not make their way into my juice. The skin itself is suspect for containing toxins and pesticides if not “certified organic.” You may as well be thorough when investing the time here.

I peel each potato, give it a quick rinse to remove any crud, then set it aside in my 5-qt stainless steel bowl. Once the bowl is mostly filled, I know I’ve got a good amount to juice and that will not boil over in my 3-qt saucepan.

Step 3: Cut Potatoes

If using a juicer, cut into whatever girth length-wise strips that will fit down the chute. I don’t own a juicer but I imagine yay size is sensible:

If using a blender, cut into small chunks like this:

And drop them into your blender carafe with an inch or two of water:

Step 4: Extract Juice

If using a juicer, you should know what to do.

If using a blender, you will blend to a smooth consistency and then extract the juice from the resulting potato smoothie in some fashion. I came up with a low-tech man-powered pressing rig using an LSHP filter cloth and three S.S. bowls:

I push hard against the wall, squeezing the two bowls together, compacting the mash, and juice oozes down into the third bowl. Yield seems okay. It is a laborious procedure though. For the non-neanderthalic: a hydraulic press will extract more juice with less effort (the JP Factory juice press is what I am eyeing up currently; please do further my shallow insight into this area).

Step 5: Triple-Filter Juice

I will at this point wash my blender carafe and filtering equipment to give the starch in the juice a moment to settle, then:

1. Pour the juice through the sieve into the saucepan,
2. Pour the juice back through the sieve into the S.S. bowl, and
3. Again pour the juice through the sieve into the saucepan.

Wash the empty apparatuses out/off after each step and — importantly! — discard the wispy bubbly gunk down the sink.

The reason to remove the overt starch now is that if cooked, the starch will gelatinize, stick to the bottom of the pan, and burn. Not good.

Step 6: Low Simmer for ~1 Hour

The objective here is to bring the juice to a low simmer so it will cook and reduce but not allow it boil over. The juice will want to boil over. It undergoes some kind of compositional change and will volumetrically proliferate with rabid abandon under too-high heat, which high heat is a relatively low heat.

Through trial and error I’ve determined where to tune the dial on my electric stove so that an eventual simmer will be reached without overflow. Your stove will probably be different and I’m mad jealous if you’ve got gas. (Electric blows.) Keep a close eye on the liquid the first few times you temper it until you’ve got a gauge on its ebullience.

I cook without a lid because of the aforementioned boiling-over issue and I want juice to reduce. And about the “simmer”: it’s more of an active current you’re looking for. The liquid won’t bubble unless the heat is turned way up.

Now, I don’t know if ~1-hours cooking time is optimal. That’s simply a measure I bumped into on the web and the juice — by the end, a broth more like — tends to turn out better when I let it go for an hour-plus. Perhaps this is a matter of concentration and taste. Or maybe a higher percentage of toxins fall to the heat the longer it goes. I lack certainty. All I know is that the boiling-over effect seems to cease at around one half of one hour.

Salt can be added during this process but exercise restraint; it’s easy to over-salt the solution because it will reduce in volume by, like, half. It’s probably more prudent to salt afterward.

Finally, a double-boiler can be used, I guess? That approach is mentioned briefly in this interview @ ~41:48. I haven’t tried cooking the juice that way myself for lack of proper equipment and reasoning why a runny liquid warrants double-boiling.

Update! — I cobbled together a makeshift double-boiler last night and the result was … pretty similar! Major difference: The precipitate didn’t coalesce as thoroughly so not as much could be filtered out; however, the precipitate didn’t taste as bad. It was tolerable. So if that part — still unidentified — is to be consumed, then double-boiling makes sense. The broth tasted more watery as opposed to burnt, I suppose. It wasn’t as strong as it is from single-boiling.

Another Update! — If the burner is set to super low, lower than I have photographed here, as in low enough that the precipitate will not be much agitated by the heat, it — the precipitate — will congeal more thoroughly and sink. This is the fabled scrambled-egg substance, and it is consumable. Cooking time should be extended correspondingly, and the next step, filtering, becomes unnecessary.

Step 7: Filter into Stainless Steel Bowl

Pour the hot broth through the fine-mesh sieve and into the stainless steel bowl and sprinkle some salt in if you would like. More sediment precipitates during cooking, and it’s pretty gross-looking (and -tasting) so we want to remove it, though the mesh of the sieve is not fine enough to filter it all out. You can allow the particles to settle in the bowl and then decant to separate them. I’ve tried using a coffee filter to achieve this end but found the process to be terribly inefficient.

I find the stainless steel bowl critical because its low heat capacity allows the juice to cool to consumable temperature relatively quickly. Broth poured straight into a glass Mason jar, for example, will stay tongue-scorchingly hot for what seems like forever.

Step 8: Enjoy!

The end result is a potatoey broth very rich in vitamins, minerals, and protein. The nutrition from however many pounds of potatoes went into this. It’s potent stuff. I am very content sipping it as is like a soup. I find the flavor fine. I suppose you could add fresh herbs or well-cooked mushrooms or whatever you fancy to jazz it up.

Readers! — What are your experiences with potato juice? Have any of the steps been unclear? Do you suggest any improvements to this recipe? I am but one person sharing his thoughts and perceptions. Collaborate with me!

In particular, I am curious whether the broth will refrigerate or freeze well; I always sluuuurp it down immediately.

Update! — I’ve now both refrigerated the broth (for one and two days) and frozen it (for one day). The frozen broth tasted way fresher. So I recommend freezing if not consuming it all immediately!

Also, hydraulic juice press aficionados: Help! What model is best?

Tools

• Potato Peeler: Kuhn Rikon
• Stainless Steel Bowls: Vollrath 47935
• Blender: Vitamix 5200 — though I imagine pretty much any blender will be able to adequately atomize potatoes.
• Juice Press Cloth: PURE LSHP
  • Two stainless steel bowls can serve as a makeshift hydraulic press in combination with the cloths if you’re physically capable and have the proper wall/countertop space. Most readers — and even I — will want to look into hydraulic presses (maybe the Welles or JP Factory) if going this non-juicer route. Norwalk and PURE are expensive all-in-one options.
• Juicer: I had been window-shopping the Omega VSJ843 and Tribest Slowstar before settling to use my already-owned Vitamix. Those models seemed to be the easiest to operate and clean and would yield a fair yield. The ease of operation and sanitization are heavy considerations, in my mind at least. Juicers can be a bitch to operate and maintain. The blender + hydraulic press combo will produce the highest yield, if that’s what you’re after.
• Fine-Mesh Sieve: Rosle 7.9-Inch Fine-Mesh Kitchen Stainless Steel Strainer
• Saucepan: Cuisinart MCP193-18N
  • While this saucepan is adequate, clad construction is inappropriate and overkill for application here. Disc-bottom would be preferable. The Demeyere Atlantis 3.2-quart is on my if-I-win-the-lottery-or-am-somehow-otherwise-bequeathed-with-a-fortuitous-financial-windfall list. Any old stock pot would work fine, too.

“Hhhmmmmmmhmmmm” —Five-times-enlightened Buddhist monk

Hunched over nearly bent in two in only a way a triathletic trainer would deem proper, traversing à vélo the altitudinally anfractuous back roads of the western Main Line on a sticky Saturday July evening, I was reminded by a steadily-growing-from-dull-to-sharp full-body ache that worked its way into my promenade du soir how negligent I’ve been in providing an update to my in-surely-some-small-circle-celebrated no-holds-barred reviews of the Herman Miller Embody chair and Jarvis bamboo standing desk. (Ardent readers of this weblog will know said exposés can be found here.)

I will first say a few words about the chair, then the desk.

A comprehensive link list is located below. ↓

Death of a Chair, Man (by H. Miller)

The Embody is no more. It’s gone. Relinquished its ghost. Requiescat in pace. Arrivederci. Or, well, it is now under the ownership of a nice, punctual, honest twenty-something I connected with through Craigslist named Liard. (“Liard, Liard, pants on Fiard?”) Emanating from the swamps of North Jersey, my counterparty, with the help of gravity, sped down the turnpike to meet me in indigenous habitat, southeastern Pennsylvania, and pick up my, for me, overly-exorbitant ergonomic death trap.

I mentioned before how the source of my discomfort with the chair was my sciatic nerve (specifically, down my left buttock and leg) being pinched from the rope-hammock-like soft-plastic-web framework that makes up the Embody seat, and I now realize that the likely root of this discomfort has been inflammation (namely digestive but years of playing scrappy ball-retrieving- I-will-run-down-everything-to-beat-you-style tennis certainly have not been conducive to the wellbeing of my lower lumbar either) and I’ve taken action to try and reduce that. For those that are curious, I’ve been very much focused on defecation rate. (There’s an untaken name for any nascent grindcore ensembles.) I’ve suffered from intermittent acute constipation and likely chronically retarded fecal elimination all my life. Some days I feel better than others. It can be a struggle. I’m working on it.

Expendable exposed itself as another “E” word to describe the Embody after computing from a totally average four-legged wooden stool for a couple of days and feeling no worse; in fact, I was able to tolerate sitting for longer periods of time. My sense was that the lack of back support was forcing my spine into a more natural yin–yang alignment where synchronistically whatever pelvic and back muscles muscles were also being strengthened. Retrospectively, I think that is still the case now somewhat. My sciatic neuritis continues to flare up but my back feels pretty solid. I seem to remember the latter afflicting me more previously.

Though the wooden stool was an improvement over the Embody — temporarily, at least — it was not an ideal solution. Wood is a dense material and it wears quickly on my not-even-old seat bones. I’m unable to sit on wood for any significant period of time. (?.) I need cushioning. Also, most wooden stools stand at a fixed height; the one I used perched me slightly higher than would meet the Goldilocks standard. Adjustability is a must.

To summarize, here’s what I was now looking for:

1. Backless
2. Padded
3. Height-adjustable

With that came this: the On-Stage KT7800.

Alright — so this appliance is marketed toward musical keyboardists. Truthfully, is pecking away at a computer keyboard all that different? Think about it. (Think.) No! They are similar tasks.

The towel underneath is to help reduce squeaking sounds from the plastic end-fittings making boisterous acquaintance with the hardwood floor as I shift my weight. It’s a simple but effective fix. If I were to be using the bench on carpet, the towel would be unnecessary. I live in a mostly-empty too-many-cubic-feet-but-I-like-the-location apartment that has a tendency to echo any non-zero measure of decibels and the sound dampener became demanding of itself.

As keen readers will notice in the first photo above, the bench is positioned longways (hot-dog style for our American-barbecue-inspired elementary school paper-folder readers). I straddle the bench with my legs opened up like a “V” (like I’m riding horse — “yeehaw”) and I can thus disperse pressure onto my inner thighs if I lean forward slightly. Sometimes I’ll sit on my knees for a short period of time. Or on one knee and stand on one leg. Or not sit but lay supine and stretch. The bench allows a surprising amount of variation with creativity in mind.

For ~$50, I think the KT7800 is an option worth exploring for anyone with lower back or sciatic nerve issues. The initiated reader will be well aware of how thought-narrowing and pickpocketing putting one’s back into the field of chiropracty can be. At minimum, this can be used in rotation between a more traditional chair to vary seating positions throughout the workday. There are likely better benches out there and those reading are absolutely invited to contribute to the investigative efforts.

I would still like to pick up a Steelcase Leap (and I say “pick up” with nonchalance to at least feel as if I’ve got that kind of paper money to toss into a fervent wind) but for now once sitting on the bench becomes unbearable I will tote my laptop over to my bed which I treat as a pseudo-work couch — please, psychoanalyze this paradox of furniturial utility — or I will trek on over to a local coffee shop and buzz for a few hours.

I Can Stand It

Eighteen months later, here she still is. I’ve stuck with the Jarvis bamboo standing desk. I don’t love it though its flaws have receded from my perception somewhat. I seem to raise and lower it less and less often. I sit most of the time. I’ve found that I am ineffectual standing in place attempting critical thought and do better by disengaging for a walk, be it an aimless wander around my apartment or outside.

The lip of the table is the only aspect that actively bothers me at this point. It’s just not pleasant to touch, and I brush against it often.

To conclude — for posterity and for fans of I Spy and/or Where’s Waldo?, which, by the way, I just learned is called Where’s Wally? in the United Kingdom, and yeah, that hit me with the similar gut-stirring disconcertion I’m sure those living in parallel universe hyperCONDOR™ v2.1 alpha felt as it merged with core existence in the year 2015 A.D. and the Berenstain with an “A” Bears corrective artifact was exposed — here is a list of specific objects and doodads caught in the amber of the photographs and that I either very much like or tolerate so much that they are employed for quotidian usage and can be found online.

Chair & Chair Items

• Chair: On-Stage KT7800 Stand with Padded Keyboard Bench
• Soundproofing Towel: Lasting Color Bath Towel in Tomato

Desk & Desk Items

• Desk: Jarvis Bamboo Adjustable Standing Desk (48 × 30″, Black Frame, Extended Range, Programmable Memory Handset)
• Laptop: MacBook Pro (Refurbished — Retina, 13-inch, Mid 2014 — 2.6 GHz Intel Core i5)
• Laptop Stand: Pyle Pro PLPTS25
• Keyboard: Apple Magic Keyboard
• Trackpad: Apple Magic Trackpad 2
• Pen Body: Pilot G2
• Pen Ink: uni-ball 207 0.7mm
• Book: The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
• EMF Meter: Trifield 100XE
• Hot Pad: Ritz Royale Pocket Mitt in Graphite

Also Pictured

• Light Fixture: Woods 0167
• Light Bulb: Bulbrite 250BR40H
• Power Strip: Belkin SurgeMaster
• Router: Netgear Nighthawk R7000
• Moving Blanket: US Cargo Control in Camouflage
• Plant: Ikea Dracaena Massangeana

While unpacking boxes after my parents’ move in the fall, this recipe book — titled Old Pottstown Recipes — surfaced. I believe it belonged to my maternal grandmother (“Grandmom”) and then my mother acquired it after she passed away. To give some context, Pottstown is a borough located ~40 miles outside Philadelphia and about half that from where I (and my mother) grew up. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually been to Pottstown before — there is not a lot interesting going on in P-town these days; the utilitarian industries that once thrived there died down — but it’s certainly within my geographic locale.

Anyway, I began flipping through the book and found it delightfully quaint; the recipes are presented and explained often with the utmost simplicity (“Put together and cook.”) and it’s fun to examine the palettes of those who’ve not been ruined by the food scientists of today. Dishes that now appear dubious would have not-so-long ago been considered standard fare.

I’m uncertain when the book was published (the first handful of pages where a date may have been printed were lost) but I believe many of the recipes originate from the 1920s and earlier. Terms like “ice box,” “moderate oven,” and “butter size of walnut” help provide context in this regard, as do certain ingredients themselves which I’ll delve into shortly. An article from the Pottstown Mercury in 1963 mentions a 40-year-old “Pottstown Recipes” cookbook, and who knows — maybe this is the same one.

… Are You Going to Eat That?

Some of the more peculiar and archaic dishes include:

• Clam broth (for an invalid)
• Terrapin
• Dandelion
• Corn pudding
• Moulded salad
• Lemon butter mayonnaise
• Cucumber sauce
• Huckleberry pudding
• Orange Charlotte
• Blitz torte
• Smudge
• Polar chips
• Parsley sandwiches

Among the trends I’ve noticed between recipes, the most telling is the lack of vegetable and seed oils as ingredients … likely because Procter & Gamble was still in the early processes of propagandizing the edibility of Crisco at the time.

Other commonalities? Lots of eggs, butter, and cream. ?? *hands raised in celebration emoji*

I’m almost captivated enough to rummage through more old community recipe books and track the usage of common ingredients. Famous Old Receipts: Used a Hundred Years and More in the Kitchens of the North and the South looks like another solid resource from around this same time period and region. I imagine there are only so many early-twentieth-century documentations of American cuisine out there, and it would be possible to compile a database capable of mapping trends — like the adoption of certain cooking fats into households throughout the years — and make correlations with rises in diseases and parallel marketing campaigns.

Taste Me, You Will See

I may at some point type out the recipes so that A) they’re easier to peruse and B) it’s more likely I try some of them — and maybe you will too! — but for now, the book can be accessed as a single PDF or JPGs of the individual pages. Both downloads are about 50 MB.

Bon appétit!

4:19 PM Friday afternoon
32°F and flurries
Berwyn, PA
“California Here I Come” — Bill Evans

People have told me they enjoy my writing, which to be frank flat-out astounded me when I first heard the sentiment. I struggled mightily throughout my formal schooling to piece together essays and fulfill creative prompts. Writing has never felt natural to me, and I suppose coincidentally I am not at all an eloquent orator. There are so many words and ways to arrange them. I’d almost rather not even try.

But writing is therapeutic for me. I can’t deny that. The times in my life when I’ve kept handwritten to-do lists and diaries of my days, I’ve felt more as if I’m moving somewhere forward. I can identify hurdles, actively stumble, and transgress ingrained tendencies into new existences. The act of bringing semi-physical manifestation to the abstraction of thought is powerful. From the visibility of nothing comes something, and an incredible cascade of action can electrify the consciousness. There are few greater catalysts; stagnation knows not the mirror.

So … I’ve decided to make a return to writing. Not just privately through the scraps of paper littering my desk, but also in the public eye. Blogging is an extension of the primordial ink that blackens the pulp, and it forces me to delve further into that which intrigues me. Dialogue can ensue; understanding be met. It seems to me a worthwhile endeavor and craft to hone — I’m the first to admit I need the practice. I can’t say I’ll maintain my penchant for in-depth, well-developed thought pieces, but that’s okay — and perhaps it’s better if I float more shallow introspections and investigations and open myself to fault. Is anyone ever right, anyway?

Topics of interest and that you can expect; these are a few currently:

• Electromagnetic fields
• Aliens
• Digestion
• Freedom of thought (and action)
• Piano jazz

I tend to be fickle and what captivates me at one moment may not the next. Oh, twenty-first century, how have you jaded me. Let’s get excited again.

A follow-up to these reviews can be found here.

Around the turn of the new year I upgraded both my office chair and desk. I did a ton of research, contemplated the principles of feng shui, prayed to Milton, and sprung for the Herman Miller Embody + Jarvis Bamboo combo. My goal was to create a working environment that was more conducive for good posture. I make my living off the internet, so I’m constantly on a computer, and for years I worked from a stiff wooden chair hunched over my 13-inch MacBook Pro that sat directly upon an old dinner table. I hauled ass with this setup (i.e., much work was completed) but one day I caught a side view of myself in a mirror and realized what in my mind felt like me standing straight was actually me slouched over. (Talk about body language …)

I wanted to correct that. I believe good posture can go a long way toward well being. The tools needed? An adjustable desk and ergonomic chair. And because these are both fairly big-ticket items and few truly critical reviews exist, I thought I’d share my impressions of said purchases as a singular entity (and not some possibly-maybe-definitely bribed or incompetent review website).

Some Ergonomic Education

An adjustable desk is great because it not only allows you to stand while working from a computer, but while sitting it can be adjusted to the perfect height. Consensus is that your keyboard should be right around belly-button level, creating a 90° bend at your elbows — a natural resting position. I don’t necessarily know if or think that’s “correct” (I prefer the keyboard slightly closer to lap height) but it does feel much better than having to raise your hands like a velociraptor to touch type.

Your computer screen should then be high enough so that you don’t have to tilt your head downward or upward to view the glowing real estate; all that should be necessary is to glance straight ahead.

If I were under a tight budget and could afford only one or the other, I’d say the desk is the more important of the two commodities. Even if your chair isn’t great, with the adjustable desk you’ll be able to alternate between sitting and standing. As one J.B. might say, you can “get up offa that thing.” (But I’ll be open and say these thoughts on partiality may be influenced by my mild disdain toward my purchased seating apparatus. More on that later!)

The Desk

The Jarvis Bamboo desk looks nice and it’s fairly stable. I’m working from a carpeted room so there is of course some wobble when I type, but from hardwood floors I believe the sway would markedly be less so.

The control panel should be a mandatory inclusion. I would not purchase this desk without it. At the press of a button the height recalibrates automatically. It’s great! I programmed only two of the presets — there are four — but the extras would be good if you had another person using the desk. Each user would want to configure a sitting height and a standing height, and that should be it. (If you switch between high heels and bare feet or jump between different chairs of fixed height, that’s perhaps maybe when you’d personally want more than two presets.)

The price is about as affordable as you’ll find for an adjustable desk that looks and functions this well. I paid $634 total configured with the 48″ x 30″ rectangle top, black frame, and digital display with memory preset. I perhaps should have opted for a contoured frame, as the lip of the table isn’t super pleasant. I’ll elaborate upon this and the other negatives I’ve found now which allude to how the desk is priced so competitively.

The Lip

The way I type, I rest the fatty bottom part of my palm along the edge of the table. This feels most natural to me. I suppose I could push my keyboard forward and — you know — simply not do this. Maybe I should. But I like putting my hands in this position!

Anyway, the lip of the tabletop is a bit scratchy, abrupt and unpleasant to the touch. It’s bothersome enough that I actually requested a replacement from Jarvis, thinking mine was anomalous and damaged. Turns out that’s how all these tops are. The edges lack love. Six months later I’m still mildly irked by it.

For this reason, I’m curious whether their contoured top is any better in this regard. From the photos I’ve seen, the lip is more graduated. Perhaps it’s more comfortable. I simply can’t recommend the rectangle top with my current knowledge and typing habits.

The Noise

I persist in face of waning tolerance for the gear-crunching that emanates from my desk as it churns its way up and down. The right leg in particular sounds nasty at times, and I am suspecting it might have a slight defect. My left power box arrived defective — the connecting pins were malformed and the unit had to be replaced — so it would not surprise me if something’s off with the right leg as well. It doesn’t seem to move in perfect unison with the left.

Now, I may be dramatizing to an extent, but I do switch between sitting and standing quite often, and I’ll just say my life would be slightly more cheery if the motors were more muted.

Here is a recording from my MacBook’s microphone so you can hear what my fuss is all about:

Sun Damage

This again speaks to the economical nature of this desk: it’s subjectable to sun fade:

Where I situate my keyboard, trackpad, and monitor stand are noticeably darker than the rest of the table. If I cared that much I’d move my peripherals around to try and let the color even out. Still, it was disconcerting when I first noticed this.

Wire Management

Jarvis ships the desk with adhesive self-locking cable ties, which I think are a perfectly fine solution to managing the muddle underneath, but the adhesive is not so adhesive. I resorted to cinching everything up with clear packaging tape. It’s held together so far!

Final Thoughts

Having not demoed any other standing desks, and despite its shortcomings, I suppose I do recommend the Jarvis. Being able to stand while typing is awesome. The desk is stable enough to let you do that. However, if given a redo, I’d take a chance on the contour top or venture third party instead. (The Ikea Gerton is an option.) You aren’t going to find a much more affordable frame than the Jarvis, which is sold separately.

I’m not sure if something like the NextDesk Terra would be worth the extra $1,000 or so for a quieter ride. (And by the looks of it, slightly better all-around quality.) Maybe. I’m actually inclined to believe it’s the better buy.

The Chair

Oh man. So, my intuition was telling me to go with the Steelcase Leap. I’d made trips to both Herman Miller and Steelcase showrooms to give all their flagship offerings a sit. The salesperson at the Herman Miller showroom — Spectrum — was awesome. Mark was his name. He really knew his stuff and sold me on the Embody. I also demoed the Aeron and Mirra 2, but I liked the Embody way better. The Steelcase showroom I visited — Corporate Interiors — wasn’t really much of a showroom, but more of an office building that had the Leap and their newest iteration, the Gesture, sitting in a common area where I could test-drive them. The person who showed me the chairs wasn’t a sales guy, and so I walked out not feeling at all obligated to follow up with a purchase. But the Leap was quite comfortable — definitely comparable to the Embody in terms of thoughtfulness of design — and I could see myself purchasing it if the Embody didn’t exist.

Anyway … I signed the paperwork for an Embody with black base and splurged on Balance fabric (graphite color) since I disliked the Rhythm fabric. The texture irked me visually more than anything. It looks bad. Ironically I also ended up not really liking the graphite color I went with so much (straight black may be better) and this prompted me to drape an emphatic plaid shirt I don’t wear that often over the back to try and draw attention away from the imbalance of grey tones. It’s hard to tell how a color will look in a setting of your own compared to in a showroom or photos you might view online. This is a case where in practice the graphite didn’t look as great as I’d hopefully imagined. Black might not be any better though. I’m not sure.

Sticking with the discussion of visuals, the exoskeleton back of the chair grew alien in the context of my office. Plaid shirt doubly to the rescue.

For all the dirt I’m throwing on the Embody, I really did like it in the showroom! It was comfortable to sit in. I liked how the back conformed. The arms were most accommodating. Overall it looked cool. However, long term I’ve found that I cannot sit in it for much more than half an hour at a time. It becomes unbearable … for me. I should note that I have a sciatic nerve issue and this chair seems to aggravate it no matter how I sit. The cushioning is kind of a suspension system with plastic tendons and springs — not your typical foam padding — and this causes less even dispersion of pressure (it’s more pinpointed) and I believe that is what exacerbates my issue.

So take that for what you will. I’m an edge case in this regard.

Aside from my personal discomfort, there is one last major qualm I have with this chair: it’s noisy! I’ve only owned it six months and I swear it creaks when I look at it. I’d noticed murmurings over Twitter about excessive noisiness when I was doing preliminary research about the Embody, but I assumed A) my chair would be different and not creak or B) if my chair did creak, I wouldn’t mind. Welp, wrong on both counts. It creaks, and it annoys me. There’s something to be said for a quiet chair.

Here’s another audio recording so you can get a glimpse of my world:

Final Thoughts

I cannot recommend the Embody, solely because of the noise issue. A chair this high-end should have all aspects well accounted for — including its auditory nature. Six months is way too little for this to already be a part of the conversation. It’s inexcusable.

Because of my unique condition, I ended up finding myself not able to sit in the chair for long periods of time, which is unfortunate because for the most part it feels pretty good. I will be purchasing a Steelcase Leap sometime soon once I run out of ways to rationalize to myself why I need to stick it out with the Embody and live with the consequences of my expensive mistake — hopefully the Leap doesn’t make two.

I last babbled about my fitness regiment in September 2013 and since then (over two years!) I’ve done quite a bit of experimentation with movements and techniques, and I am still continually tweaking my routines. Every workout I try to make a small adjustment and learn something new. And it’s that perpetual state of flux that’s caused me to not want to report any of my findings — because I feel like I know nothing! (“That’s deep, man. Far out, man.”)

But let’s be real: does anyone really know anything? (“No.”) So in the interest of potentially contributing even a sliver of understanding to our entropic cosmos, I’ll share my current viewpoints on recreational physical fitness.

No. 1 Idea: Don’t Get Injured

I am a steadfast believer that if you want have any interest in maintaining physical fitness, absolutely do not engage in any activity that causes discomfort. If you sense your body breaking down — most commonly in the form of joint pain — then stop. It’s the opposite of your objective, which should be to empower your tangible self. Getting injured sucks. It’s the worst. And injuries only exacerbate as you get older.

I’ve come to better terms with this notion, and have dropped a bunch of exercises I previously considered to be safe and effective. Dips, for example, were nagging my wrist and elbow. I liked doing dips, and so did my physique, but eventually I was honest with myself and accepted that long term they’re not for me. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do dips though! I have a trick elbow and glass wrist. You might be fine.

Please note: not all pain is bad. Learn to recognize the difference between eustress and malfunction.

No. 2 Idea: Move in Bilateral Symmetry

By this I mean avoiding exercises that isolate one side of your body (e.g. lunges, 1-armed push-ups, etc.). Your stability is way better during exercises displaying bilateral symmetry in movement and — surprise! — you are less likely to injure yourself.

Machines and barbells can often fit this notion; dumbbells, while appearing to coincide, are too precarious. I want both hands involved with the same weight.

No. 3 Idea: Weights are Necessary

In continuation with the last idea, to make an exercise challenging enough to gain significant muscle, an auxiliary form of resistance must be added. Don’t isolate one arm or leg to increase the intensity.

This is not to say you can’t get in decent shape doing bodyweight exercises like push- or pull-ups. With immaculate form and technique, you can! But your progress will be slow and eventually stall and unless you’ve got access to a gravity chamber like Goku in Dragon Ball Z.

No. 4 Idea: Be Able to Bail

I believe in pushing your muscles to failure — i.e., maximal energy expenditure — and consequently that means you’ve got to be able to easily bail out of the exercise so you aren’t crushed by a weight or whatever.

(Hint: It’s pretty hard to bail out at the bottom of a squat.)

No. 5 Idea: Reps are Dumb; Go till Failure

I hate numbers. They’re pointless. You should be aiming for a high intensity level with your movements. Who cares if you can crank out a ton of reps with shitty form?

The burn. Feel it. That’s the barometer to go by. I know it’s an abstraction and unquantifiable, but if you feel lactic acid building up then it means your muscles are doing meaningful work.

No. 6 Idea: Limit Range of Motion

I’ve slowly picked up on the idea of limiting my ranges of motion after some instruction and some failed experimentation. The seeds for this concept were planted when I realized I was messing up my rotator cuff trying to do pull-ups at too broad a grip. I could suspend myself — and quickly fatigue — but any attempt to get my chin over the bar resulted in obvious mechanical discord. So from this I learned that holding form could be better than completing a full range of motion.

Likewise, certain HIT exercises I’ve played around with (wall sits in particular) advocate maintaining a 90º angle, which is said to be the point of “highest resistive force” (or something … I’m not an expert on levers and fulcrums). The big-picture idea is that the moment at which a right angle is formed is most challenging.

Now, these HIT movements I’d read about instructed to hold the right angle until failure. My current notion is that holding is bad. I think locking into any position under force will cause undue stress on your joints.

BUT — I think moving back and forth around 90º is cool. That’s the sweet spot. Don’t hold at 90, but rock as best you can between say 85º–95º so you are in a controlled motion and repeatedly approaching that most challenging 90º angle from both sides of the plane. Doing this also expedites the onset of fatigue. Less time under stress is good!

This brings me to the main epiphany behind today’s article and

Rock the 90™*

To engage in a controlled, limited motion of exertion about a 90º angle.

*Patent Pending

With that preamble out of the way, let’s discuss: what exercises are part of my routine at this point?

Exercise 1: Pull-ups

I’ve been humbled by the pull-up. I’ve grappled them with the utmost regularity for over five years, experimenting with dozens of variations in that time, and yet … I still don’t know how to do one. But that’s ok! This process has taught me a lot about the uncertainty knowledge.

The 90 thing is sort of new. Last I wrote I’d been keen on the towel pull-up, and I had kept up with them until only a few months ago. Yes, towel pull-ups are challenging and they will improve your grip strength. But I will argue against them because of the stress they impose on your fingers. To do a towel pull-up, your grip becomes oriented like a handshake, unevenly dispersing the 100+ pounds of tension between fingers, and this consequently contorts the hand. It’s bad news bears. When gripping a standard bar, each of your fingers contributes more equally to the pull. Stability is markedly better.

So I reverted back to pull-ups without a towel, and I’d been playing around with this technique where I’d hold at the top of the pull-up — squeezing upward as tightly as possible — and descend slowly as I fatigued. This was a novel concept to me, and the challenge at first exceeded my skill level. (That’s good!) But eventually I caught up to the difficulty and to progress any further I would need to add weight. So after several hours of research and days of contemplation, I purchased an expensive weight vest online. Protip: Weight vests suck for pull-ups. Save your money. I returned mine immediately.

A weight belt is what you want to go with, and I opted for this one:

It’s legit. I like it. It’s unobtrusive and pretty easily adjustable. I haven’t tried any of the less expensive chained dipping belts, so I’d be remiss to say this one is superior, but I’ll certainly be sticking with it.

Anyway, once I started adding weights, it became apparent that holding at the top of the pull-up was stressing my elbow joints more than I’d cared to admit. It’s not a technique I could keep doing long term. This got my brain churning for an alternative, and I remembered back to my inefficacious days of wall sitting. Maybe I could transfer that theory here? After some trial and error I arrived at my current protocol.

The Technique

• Start with your widest comfortable pull-up grip (which should be not much more than shoulder width).
• Rock the 90 as described above; you’re not going for reps. Drop out at failure.
• Regain composure, then try again at the same width. Repeat until you’re unable to hold form.
• Take an extended breather, then repeat with your grip closer together — but in chin-up orientation (palms facing toward you). Then switch back to palms facing out at that same width.
• Repeat this progression until you’ve exhausted all sensible options.

Narrowing your grip is an elegant way to gradually reduce resistance (which is necessary as you fatigue). The reason for alternating grips is to engage slightly different muscle groups.

This sequencing has felt intuitive and substantial to me.

Exercise 2: Leg Press

I’ve actually only recently added the leg press to my repertoire, so — DISCLAIMER — I have not been doing the following long term. Heed these thoughts in particular with skepticism.

For the longest time I’d been relying on a combination of cycling and sprinting with hills thrown in for good measure to keep up a semblance leg strength. Squats are scary, and wall sits, which you’d think are pretty benign, destroy my knees. So I’m understandably cautious about pushing myself much when it comes to “leg day.”

However, I’m optimistic about this conservative approach to the leg press I’ve been practicing. So far, so good! The same philosophy from pull-ups applies with the technique listed here.

Technique

• Begin at a sensibly challenging weight. Rock the 90 until failure.
• Catch your breath.
• Lower the weight and repeat until it feels right to stop.

Pretty simple. Once again, the underlying theory is to gradually reduce resistance until thoroughly fatigued.

Exercise 3: Cycling

There is a certain blissful je ne sais quoi to cutting through a warm breeze on a balmy midsummer evening. Cycling isn’t without flaws, but man, a day on the bike is a good day.

I enjoy cycling. That’s the foremost reason I do it. It’s not an activity that’s going to get you a great body (professional cyclists are a skinny bunch) but there is an overwhelmingly positive sensory aspect to it. It makes you feel like a kid again. When is the last time you went on an adventure?

I also give cycling bonus points for being a low-impact sport and conducive for taking intermittent breaks.

Technique

• Hop on your bicycle.
• Explore the open road.

I personally get a kick out of climbing up big hills and flying down them with no hands.

And that’s pretty much it. I sometimes do sprints, or jog, or walk, or play tennis or frisbee or basketball, and I’m dinking around with some bodyweight squat and ab stuff right now, but in terms of regularity, pull-ups and cycling in particular have been my go-to’s.

Why? They don’t take a lot of time. I don’t get injured. I find them sufficiently challenging. And I’m happy with that!

My goal isn’t to become an underwear model or Mr. Universe. I’m putting in a calculated effort to reach a functional physique that makes me feel positive about myself and allows me to be active in other areas. I find the whole process a righteous challenge.

If I cared more about having defined musculature, deadlifts would probably the first heavy movement I’d add into the mix even though they don’t really match the philosophies laid out here. But who knows … maybe at some point I’ll mess around with them.

In regards to frequency, a full workout for me consists of just one of the above exercises. I like to put full focus onto one exercise so I can concentrate on my form and technique. It’s difficult to maintain composure over a long session! I don’t exercise every day, I always warm up, and I take a cautious approach to recovery (i.e., I will wait out soreness).

After all this explanation, let met me reiterate my sentiments from the intro: I don’t know what I’m doing!! You should figure out what works for you. I’m just one dude trying to chart his internal compass. The likelihood is high that I change course.

An Aside: Nose Breathing Follow-up

I previously wrote an article about nose breathing and why it’s likely beneficial to avoid breathing through your mouth during exercise (or at any time for that matter). The dude still abides to this philosophy, but when riding my bike I’ve found it impractical to consciously avoid lapsing. The energetic demands are too persistent. If anything I think this is a subtle knock on the premise of cardio.

Anyway, one new technique I picked up on not long after writing that piece is to drop your jaw while breathing through your nose. Doing this helps expand the airway. It’s like a cheat code for when you’re struggling during periods of high intensity.

For many years, I was quite undersized compared to my peers. At age 12 I stood on my tippy-toes at 4’8” and weighed in at 70 pounds, with a full set of hockey pads. My teenage years were noteworthy in that I scored some great deals in the “boys” section of Kohl’s. It wasn’t until my second year of college that I finally reached my full height of about 5’11”, but there was little substance to my slight, 137-pound (on a good day) frame.

It was short of a year prior to this time, when my vertical growth slowed, that I decided to take an interest in fitness with the intention of putting on muscle mass so that I wouldn’t look as ridiculous in any clothes I wore. When one is 20 years old, a shade or two below 6 feet, wearing small sized band t-shirts and 28” skinny jeans, they’re often genetically or environmentally hard-pressed to put on weight and must make a conscious and concerted effort to do so.

I began with no plan other than to work out as regularly as possible, with little notion of energy expenditure and musculoskeletal repair, but did make small strides despite much wasted effort and self-sabotage. It hasn’t been until the past couple years in my mid-twenties that I’ve put pieces together and gone up two shirt sizes, which, being a static marker of feedback, I feel is a better indicator of gain than an arbitrary number on a scale.

This article is intended for those who have trouble putting on muscle (the so-called “hardgainers”) and do not want to make an outlandish investment of time and emotion into gaining said weight. At this point, I feel fairly dialed in to controlling my mass and I think the techniques I’ve honed may be universally applicable. These are a few simple strategies that have worked for me after remaining at a compositional standstill for years.

1. Work Out Less

By less, I mean both with lower frequency and for shorter duration. In terms of the former, it is my hunch that many fitness enthusiasts do not give their bodies sufficient time to recover and subsequently overcompensate (i.e. enter a muscle building phase) from their previous workout.

I believe soreness is a good indicator of recuperation. My recommendation is to avoid working out until the entire body feels fresh (meaning there is no soreness felt anywhere), and then don’t target the same area that was previously sore; vary routines.

Personally, I split my upper and lower body, with a few different movement patterns for each, to give myself proper rest. This approach has also come for me with the added benefit of reducing the likelihood of injury.

To address the latter, through experience and observation it seems a certain level of intensity is required to stimulate muscle growth. This could mean lifting heavy weights, exerting force with controlled intent until failure, or engaging in bursts of predominantly fast-twitch movements like sprinting. In all cases though, the duration of exertion is relatively short. These are not endurance exercises.

Moreover, the less one works out, the easier it is to reach a caloric surplus, which leads into my second suggestion.

2. Eat More Food

I’m not going to preach the efficacy of any particular nutrient or diet, but instead give general guidelines on how consume more calories, since an energy deficit prevents weight (and muscle) gain.

• Foods that require little preparation are more likely to be eaten.
• Fats contain about twice the calories of proteins and carbohydrates.
• Liquids are easier to ingest than solids.
• Variety increases indulgence.

Andrew Kim recently wrote an interesting article on metabolism, which may be helpful in picking specific sources of calories to achieve the body composition one desires.

3. Get More Sleep

Firstly, sleeping burns less calories than, well, not being asleep (unless one is eating).

Secondly, I feel the non-waking hours are when the body makes the most strides in regard to recovery and growth. Simple as that.

My intention here was to put forth a few practical concepts that can be individually interpreted and applied. I acknowledge they might not be effective for everyone, but these ideologies have yielded for me the most significant results with the least effort and preoccupation.

If a person is aiming to lose weight, I imagine performing the opposite of one or more of the recommended actions above would help foster a net loss of energy.

A recent trend in the technology industry involves a push on quantifying and qualifying data pertaining to personal fitness levels in efforts to motivate consumers by making exercise, which typically involves abstract and delayed gratification, more desirable an activity by contriving concrete goals to be reached and rewarded.

My feeling is that the devices and apps being put out are an effective way to pull newbies into the fitness fold, but increase their risk of injury (or worse). The issue isn’t so much the technology, but the glorification of arbitrary data, ranging from miles run to weight lifted. This in my opinion has long been an issue of fitness folklore, and is now much more forefront and widespread with the adaptation of these tools.

After several years experimentation (and much wear and tear), I’ve found fitness far more attainable and sustainable when numbers are thrown out and feeling and intuition are instead favored to gauge the frequency and intensity required to make progress with one’s goals. Below I will detail what figures to avoid tracking (“the bad”) and what is better to rely upon (“the good”).

This discussion applies mainly to those who exercise for recreation and not competition or profession, which should entail a majority of readers.

The Bad

Distances, Speeds, Times, Calories Burned, Heart Rates, etc…

Basically, any points of data a treadmill will flash back at you, or that will be tracked by fitness apps (e.g. Strava) and other devices (e.g. Fitbit), are not important. It is all too easy to form unhealthy fixations on hitting arbitrary and ultimately pointless numbers to complete a workout, which often puts oneself at risk of injury by ignoring internal body dialogue. Calories burned is an especially questionable statistic to set a one’s goal.

Weights

Free weights can be dicey as well, especially when insecurity takes over and dudes feel the need to increase their lifts by a few pounds every workout, no matter what, so they can brag about new PB’s. This increases their likelihood of getting hurt. Fixed weights (e.g. machines) are probably safer, as they usually restrict the range of motion, but not foolproof.

Interval Training

I believe in allowing oneself to rest for as long as needed between bouts of exertion (ideally to let one’s heart rate and respiration to return close to baseline levels). Interval training totally eschews this mantra, requiring individuals abide by an almighty clock. Aside from often being overly demanding on newbies, this type of training can put people at risk of injury because they become so determined to perform movements for the full uptime, and not properly interpret pain they may be feeling.

Planned Repetitions (and to a Lesser Extent, Sets)

If one is performing a movement for repetitions, especially any including resistance measures, I believe they would be astute to listen to their body and gauge how many reps should be performed on a per set basis. It’s precarious to tell oneself they must do for example a set of eight barbell squats, but by the sixth repetition they are gassed and try to gut out the last two reps anyway with flawed technique. It is much safer and effective to simply perform reps until fatigue has set in and before form is compromised.

Being flexible with the amount of sets one performs is wise as well for the same reasons.

Scheduled Routines

The body need a distinct amount of time to recover from every individual workout, regardless of whether routines are fixed or varied. There are a multitude of contributing factors at play, aside from exercise intensity and duration, such as nutrition, stress, and sleep, which occur outside the gym, that affect recovery. These elements are not always easily controlled and homogenized from day to day, so therefore it’s unrealistic to believe one can reliably exercise on a fixed pattern and get optimal results.

When in doubt, I believe it’s better to be cautious and give oneself extra rest so that the body can fully rebuild and be less susceptible to injury. This might mean working out on average once a week or even less frequently.

Scales

Weighing oneself does not provide an accurate indicator of anything remotely meaningful, like how one feels or looks. A scale says nothing about body composition or health and wellbeing. Weight is a vastly overrated statistic for a majority of the population and many people would release a lot of anguish if they no longer tracked it.

The Good

How One Feels

This is above all the most important factor to consider when attempting to get in shape and further one’s fitness. The concept of intuition is often buried because of modern society, but one’s body will tell them all they need to know if they only listen. Being able to identify the difference between muscle fatigue and onset of injury, points of diminishing returns, and adequate recovery are all valuable skills to hone. No amount of data will be able to accurately describe those scenarios; they must be felt.

These days the only information I record about my workouts is which activities I’ve done and how I feel afterward so that I can self-reflect and make adjustments for the next time. The specifics of my routines are for the most part unplanned and I allow myself the flexibility to adjust mid-workout depending on how I’m feeling that day.

Nasal Breathing

If nasal breathing is not possible, I feel that’s a telltale sign I am pushing myself too hard. I stop until I regain control of my breath (and heart rate), then continue with my routine. Read this article for further explanation.

Cool Weather

The ability of the body to regulate its temperature is one of the most relevant and limiting factors in the exercise intensity one can safely achieve. Cool weather allows the body to dissipate heat, which is built up while working out, much more effectively than warm weather. Embrace the cold and be cautious as temperatures rise.

How One Looks

I’m hesitant to include this in “the good” because many people have issues with body dysmorphia, but I do think how one looks a better indicator of progress than say a scale, as long as one is realistic about their appearance and goals.

Conclusion

It has been freeing to work out without the added stress of meeting “magical” numbers. I’ve been better able to avoid injury and add muscle. (I can tell I’ve made gains because my clothes feel tighter and my muscle definition is about as good as it’s ever been.) I also now know that I don’t need to work out as often as I thought I did; I’d been sabotaging myself for years by cutting short my recovery time, thinking I needed to move around briskly at the least every three days.

In short, data-less exercise has been more rewarding in terms of time commitment, output, and enjoyability. I feel many others would also do well to get in touch with their instincts embrace this New Age wave of the future.

After a brief and bitter foray into the world of home coffee brewing, I realized I simply do not have the talent to finesse a palatable caffeinated beverage out of cheap beans and a plastic plunger. Even my background in chemistry could not bail me out of that frugal predicament.

This left me at a crossroads: either upgrade my gear and stock up on kopi luwak, or settle for instant.

Needless to say, I settled. Getting serious about coffee brewing can be pricey and time intensive, plus I’M LAZY. If I want to have exceptional coffee, I’ll pay someone else to make it for me.

However, my standards still remain high, and if I’m going to be drinking instant coffee, it’s got to be the best damn instant coffee little money can buy. This entry will document my ongoing taste testing and dogged quest to become the ultimate instant coffee snob.

All brews were made with 1 tablespoon of instant coffee, 4 tablespoons of granulated white sugar, 1 teaspoon of refined coconut oil, and 12 ounces of hot spring water.

These are the unadulterated thoughts that ran through my mind as I consumed each cup…

Café Bustelo: $1.51/oz @ Wegmans, $1.86/oz @ Amazon

“Woah. There is definitely caffeine in here. I think I went overboard with that heaping tablespoon I dumped in my mug. It has flavor. It’s slightly sludgy… BUT THERE’S CAFFEINE. Goes down pretty smooth. Would be great if you needed to stay awake for a week straight and couldn’t afford cocaine.”

Jacobs Krönung: $1.71/oz @ Wegmans, $1.38/oz @ Amazon

“The jar looks cool. Green is a neat color. Oh right, coffee. Not much flavor going on here. Airy. Reminds me of… baking soda? Yeah. Wish I was more buzzed. Wish I didn’t know what baking soda tastes like. Maybe two tablespoons would have been better. Inoffensive is probably the best word to describe it. People who watch the Hallmark Channel would definitely drink this stuff.”

Jacobs Cronat Gold: $1.71/oz @ Wegmans, $1.20/oz @ Amazon

“I taste burning wood chips. It’s like I’m in Cub Scouts all over again. Similar airiness to its brother Krönung. The flavor festers and I don’t particularly enjoy it. I wish my mom would come pick me up from camp. There’s nothing to do here!!! I have a feeling this jar will slowly make its way to the back of the cupboard where it will remain for the rest of eternity alongside my half-eaten bag of banana crisps.”

Medaglia d’Oro: $1.65/oz @ Wegmans, $1.62/oz @ Amazon

“I think medaglia d’oro means gold medal. Good thing I took three semesters of Italian during college. Taste is somewhere between Jacobs Gold and Bustelo. It’s smoky with only an inkling of odorous wood. Wood. Huhuhuh. Definitely drinkable. Concentrated but that’s partially because of its fine grind. I bet I could snort it. Good flavor to caffeine ratio. Doesn’t upset my stomach. I give it a silver medal.”

Ferrara: $1.85/oz @ Wegmans, $3.13/oz @ Amazon

“It tastes like I’m drinking the wrong end of a smoldering cigarette. Evokes the coffee equivalent of bitter beer face. If I was ever Secret Santa for someone I didn’t like, this would be one of their gifts.”

Nescafé Clásico: $0.78/oz @ Walmart, $0.78/oz @ Amazon

“Wow, this has not one, but two accented letters in its name. I’m not sure I am worthy to partake of this fancy brew. First sip… pretty sure this is the same coffee they serve at Denny’s. At least I don’t have to deal with muffled Garth Brooks yodeling in the background too. I’m actually kind of enjoying the taste, but it’s starting to stagnate and my mouth feels dry. I really don’t want to finish this cup but I feel obligated.”

[1 hour later]

“I’ve become progressively more and more dehydrated since drinking this ‘coffee’… I’m not sure what’s happening… oh god… IT’S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE. Would be funny to give this to a friend shortly before they have to deliver a big speech.”

Great Value: $0.56/oz @ Walmart

“The jar says both ‘Great Value’ and ‘Premium’ on it; I think that’s an oxymoron. The taste is making me cringe… it’s got this sour, medicinal bite to it. Reminds me of repressed terrors at the dentist’s office. The flavor is now dulling and I think I might actually drink the whole cup. There is a very real possibility it is laced with Novocain or some other local anesthetic. (Well played, Walmart.) I will regret drinking this.”

Pilon: $1.67/oz @ Amazon

“My spoon can’t fit into the 1.75 ounce jar. -10 points. Has a yellow lid that is identical to Bustelo (albeit a tenth of the size). Grind looks incredibly similar as well. Says it is a ‘100% pure coffee made from a blend of beans from one or more of the following countries: Brazil, Colombia, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Ecuador, Guatemala, Mexico, and Nicaragua.’ Does it come with frequent flyer miles too? Dark but murky flavor. Tastes a bit watered down. It’s close to Bustelo but not quite as strong. I wish it had a little more of a bite or caffeine kick to it. Musty aftertaste. Old people. I will probably finish this jar but won’t go out of my way to buy it again.”

Maxwell House: $0.69/oz @ Wegmans, $0.70/oz @ Amazon

“Comes in a ‘lightweight, EZ-open jar’ and is commended by the Arthritis Foundation for its ‘ease-of-use.’ I’m really glad that the friendliness of the jar such a point of emphasis of their marketing campaign. The aroma is pretty noxious and I am predicting I won’t make it to the ‘last drop.’ First sip made me cough violently. It gives a very authentic experience of walking into an old folk’s home and breathing in wafts of antiseptic fumes. My tongue feels weird. I think it’s being numbed. The flavor has changed and it’s not as pungent now, but for my safety and on the off chance I am consuming a neurotoxin this taste test is over.”

Folgers Classic Roast: $0.71/oz @ Wegmans, $0.65/oz @ Amazon

“My crazy uncle Glenn who once was attacked by a rabid squirrel drinks this crap religiously. Black. Grind looks and smells like cigar guts. Don’t ask me how I know about cigar guts. First hit sip made me cough. Can’t really put a finger on the taste. It’s not good but not awful. Somewhat bitter. Kind of like bad mids. (Oops. I didn’t say that.) I can see how my weathered uncle would enjoy this stuff. If I had no other option then I’d reluctantly tolerate Folgers but it would not be the best part of waking up.”

Whole Foods 365: $1.85/oz @ Whole Foods

“I actually really like Whole Foods aside from everything in the store being grossly overpriced and their cute cashiers always having boyfriends. (What gives?) For some reason I’m not all that optimistic about this coffee. Pretty clean taste. Not super strong or distinct but at least I didn’t gag. Flavor doesn’t stick; it dissipates kind of suddenly. A dash of cinnamon might put it over the top. HE LIKES IT!”

Mount Hagen: $3.40/oz @ Whole Foods, $2.45/oz @ Amazon

“This is pretty pricey because it’s organic. Far out, man. Jar is shaped neat. Octagon. Lid pops off when you twist it. I like that. It’s fun. It’s kind of like how I used to twist the heads off my sister’s Barbie dolls. I am worried the photo on the label is subliminally promoting Christianity though. Not super distinctive but there is almost no bitterness and the aftertaste fades gracefully. HALLELUJAH! I’m a believer. Praise be this cup of joe.”

Taster’s Choice House Blend: $1.21/oz @ Wegmans, $0.86/oz @ Amazon

“This is one of two recommended instants for the fabled ‘Bonus Cup.’ (That’s a recipe for another day when I have health care again.) The grounds smell like Eggo waffles. Upon adding hot water the aroma has now shifted to that of corn nuts. (I am definitely not at ‘all’ anxious to try this…) For being in the sub dollar-per-ounce group, it’s actually pretty Descend decent. Delivers a nice buzz but leaves behind a somewhat gnarly, burnt aftertaste. I can see how this would have fueled ‘Milo Goes to College.'”

Starbucks VIA Colombia: $8.05/oz @ Wegmans, $5.67/oz @ Amazon

“Ah, the snootiest of brews. I wish I had a beret or fedora to wear and iPhone to poke at while drinking this. Full bodied. Has chocolatey tones. Very smooth. Would give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money.”

Starbucks VIA Italian Roast: $8.05/oz @ Wegmans, $5.67/oz @ Amazon

“Darkest roast yet. My breath is deadly. Close quarters conversations would be painful for the non-drinker. I can finally exert revenge on innocent victims for all those times my portly and pungent uncle Charlie would beckon my seven year old self and endlessly blab at me from 1-inch away during family gatherings while guzzling a Bud and smoking a cheap cigar.”

Maxim Mocha Gold: $0.53/oz @ Amazon

“This review is promising. It is a Korean-made three-in-one with coffee, sweetener, and creamer. What could go wrong? Initial whiff made me gag. The substance in my cup looks nothing the picture. NERVOUS. Tastes like murky pond water. I guess I diluted it too much. Better add a second packet. Not much change. Time to load up on sugar. Now it reminds me of a Frappuccino. I am also beginning to take an unexpected and irrational appreciation for Kim Jong-un. Thank you supreme leader for this glorious product! It is far superior to American snow coffee!”

The Winner

It’s currently a toss-up between Café Bustelo and Medaglia d’Oro. Both have a deceptively tolerable taste and are loaded with caffeine, plus they’re relatively inexpensive. You can’t really ask for much more than that.

I like the yellow jar better, and drinking it makes me feel like I am part of the Cuban drug cartel (“I’M TONY MONTANA!”), so Bustelo gets a slight edge.

Update: Medaglia has supplanted Bustelo for the top spot in my power rankings. Over the past ten months I’ve found the quality control of Bustelo to be suspect; a good jar is quite sensual, but far too often I’m left questioning my self-worth with each sip. Recommendation: rotate brands from cup to cup to maintain morale.

Update July 2015: Bustelo quality control has been on point as of late. Maybe word traveled that I’d knocked them a rank. You’re welcome, everyone. (Bustelo reclaims the top spot.)

Power Rankings

1. Café Bustelo
2. Medaglia d’Oro
3. Starbucks VIA Tribute Blend
4. Mount Hagen
5. Starbucks VIA Colombia
6. Starbucks VIA Italian Roast
7. Whole Foods 365
8. Pilon
9. Jacobs Krönung
10. Taster’s Choice House Blend
11. Maxim Mocha Gold
12. Jacobs Cronat Gold
13. Folgers Classic Roast
14. Great Value
15. Nescafé Clásico
16. Maxwell House
17. Ferrara

Taste is subjective, but any of the top seven should satisfy most palates. Avoid the bottom four at all costs.

Note: I tried Starbucks VIA Tribute Blend a few months after initially publishing this article and I unfortunately failed to properly review it, but it does crack the upper tier of the power rankings.